My gosh I'm in such a weird space today, Almost like a funk. Like so off... Okay you know what that's not fair. Things have been all too perfect and joyous and right now, I guess I'm just experiencing the float back to reality. I need to be taking the advice that I gave to Peach and that is: To look at it from another lens.
So I'm gonna focus on how overwhelmingly amazing it is to actually have a relationship with my second oldest sister. I truly NEVER saw that as a possibility in life. I was so prepared to treat her the way she treated me growing up. But let's face all the facts... My family is annoying but super dope as fcuk. To be able to talk and share with my sister as if she is friend so so unexpected. Part of me feels like if I drop the grudge then I am a sell out because I "made a vow" to keep her as an enemy and I always keep my word! The other side of me feels like "Well, I'm older now and things change, people grow up" and change scares the shit out of me (when I'm not the one controlling it). But seriously, She tells me things that others don't know!!! We laugh about old situations! I can call her and discuss old bullshit and she knows how to be like "yea gurl ya buggin" and I'm not combative! AT ALL!! WHHHAAAATTTT???! THAT SHIT CRAY!! I've been fighting the idea of having my sisters in my life in anyway, I'm always like "OH NO!". But it really is nice, and something that I've always wanted! Honestly, Pride really is no fun unless its for a parade. Speaking of pride, I've actually been recently telling my aunt that she needs to cut the nonsense and she's been doing the same to me and, well, no ones combative and it feels good. She's raised me and for a while I felt like if I ever said anything to her she'd shut me down so quick! it was like she had an internal "panic button" and she's always quick to use it... Not this time, she let me have an opinion! and that's all I really wanted from her.
The air around me may feel stale today but that's going to happen. It's literally like me dissecting every situation that I'm in and trying to figure out how it can be handled better than my usual. And then sometimes I have to say "hey elle, maybe it will handle itself, stop trying just let it be." and whenever I want to trust that feeling, I'm scared as fcuk and I'm like no I really just can't let go of my control. But I'm trying. And that's mainly because I'm exhausted from exhausting every situation. Can't even be sure I know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it...
Dare I say it, allowing yourself to be happy is bit of a chore. Well in the beginning it is. It's all very new. It's a lot of communicating, a lot of letting go, a lot more owning especially with how you feel. and as my sister once told me, not taking myself too seriously sometimes. A major thing for me is to not take happiness away from myself. I must not think I deserve happiness because I'm quick to shut shit down before it has a chance. I prepare for things that haven't happened and may not even happen but I can't take that chance and then I'm mad at the world. SHIT AINT RIGHT!
All in all Boston is doing some great things for me! I've been here for a year and it's been a great one! I'm hella excited to see what's to come!
*Elle
Current Song (s):
Black Bird- The Beatles
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