Revisited... good grief

           And there it is again... THE coma... The one where I've mysteriously slipped and smacked my head on stupid. Maybe there was a slight comfort in cuddling with hurt. Familial pain. The pain that rocked me back to sleep nights and nights on end. I laid open. Guard down, arms out, palms up. Staring into my memory. and letting me rock into sleep. Half pissed at myself for allowing pandora to keep her box open. And half willing to dive into the abyss.
          I read a post "Soulmate Vs. Life Partner". I never believed in Soul mates. I thought it was a crock of shit. She always believed I was hers (mmm actually can't be sure, but I may have auditioned for that role and I feel like I got the part, whether I wanted it or not). And I always felt guilty because I didn't believe she was mine. Such fuckary danced around in my head, it drove me mad. "She's not your fcuking soulmate! You're perpetrating a lie!" I was always yelling at myself. Through the years I've talked about the soulmate concept and someone said to me once "Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean they're the one you end up with."... "Wait What?! That doesn't make any sense". The more they explained the more I understood and thought "hmm, they could be on to something". It's been a concept that I toyed with... Put it down walk away from and I guess I'm back to it, especially after reading that post. It described a soulmate and Life Partner. It described us soooo well, It solidified everything, it made all my hauntings okay. Fcuk, she was my soulmate, no way around it. And she haunts me and I beat myself up over it. It's really not my fault, cause it's not everyday. It's literally when there is something going on in my life that I need to pay attention to or address. AND there's another element that may have not been properly scoped before with my latest ex, Something that I over looked and now it's vital that I learn and understand because I need to know what my next move will be. I am caught between wanting the elements of a Soulmate but wanting the Life Partner.
       The soulmate is exciting, intense. It's the thriller movie that has you from start to finish. It's not stable, it's emotional. It feels like life or death. It's dramatic. It exposes. It can keep you on your toes. You will definitely learn something. There is a mess that will be made and it will need you to clean up but very carefully. It kind of reminds me of "Clarity" by Zedd. There's a connection and a fire even when you don't want it to be. Then there's Life Partner. It is more stable. It's exciting but stable. More Ideal. Less life or death, less dramatic if you will. Stable. It's not so catastrophic. There will be problems, it can be exciting but it's probably not life altering. There's a fine line. This article really helps to break it down further. But I often wonder, will I get that feeling back? Do I want that feeling back? I don't want to settle because I'm scared to feel those things again. and I don't want to look for that feeling if that's not really the feeling I need. And with every transition that's happening right now, I feel like I'm losing ground sometimes. It feels like I'm back at square one. I feel crazy.
       I've been very fortunate to have such a strong minded family and support system that walk me through these freak outs. They help me put so many things into perspective. Mainly because they know I'll get there eventually. I'm not a dumb girl, although sometimes I do wish I were. I know what really needs to be done and I'm starting to understand why I catapult so hard into the "labyrinth" every time she haunts me.  I Just wish could turn the other cheek and just be oblivious as fuck, I'm not. I just want to learn what it is that I need to learn, quickly. It makes me nauseous to think, sometimes. Makes me angry to devote head space to such a ghost. But I guess I'm not too upset about it either. The way I operate, I always need an answer, So I couldn't go through life not being able to understand my emotions and what sets me off. I don't like repeating the same mistakes and at the end of the day your true feelings always manage to manifest themselves. May as well address it. and well, I'm a little exhausted.
       I feel myself getting angry, I feel tears of regret. Feeling like I really wasn't ready for a relationship like that and wishing it never happened. A soulmate is something I never strived for I never wanted that shit! I never wanted someone to come through my house, tear everything out of my closets, fcuk shit up and then "mic drop", leaving me to clean all this shit up myself. Like who do you think you are?! fcuking Hurricane Sandy and shit. It's like you sitting minding your business, eating a bag of chips or some shit and someone comes by and smacks that shit out of your hands and walks away, like fuck, really?! now you sitting there thinking like "well if I just held the bag tighter it wouldn't have fell!" or "What if I was paying attention and seen it coming?!" or like "If I just ate them really quickly, I coulda been like AAAAAhhhh jokes on your cuz the bag is empty fucker!!". But it happened and all you can do is say well, it happened.  I mean really ... and yet somehow I just love to compare shit to her, like for what? Why you sabotaging for? Just to get a really good struggles snuggles with hurt... It's comforting because hurt will always come back. I guess you can look at it from another lens and say Happiness will always come back. We all out here hurt and trying to prevent it by hurting the other first. We've all been there. so like "Boohoo Bitch!" and Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel (you've seen my post, a stay crying about something) like how I wish I was a strong as my middle sister. She's my hero. Never thought I'd say that! HA!!! Nah, This situation has me forever conflicted between wanting to be like "okay but did you see how amazing I'm right now? Bye Bridget!" and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and have a temper tantrum because of all the things that were "done to me"...
         But I think I'm done with this pity party.  The waves will come as they come and, for now, I'll just ride them. Maybe get dragged under a few times. But if my crying over all the things she took from me, or everything wrong that happened is the worst thing that I have to complain about right now, then I'm being a selfish brat because all the things I've gained in return. Like "pat yourself on the back kid you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. And that will be your biggest downfall before whatever that 'hiccup' was." Learn and grow. and prepare to learn some more. It never ends, be thankful for that, not scared.
       
       Ugh I'm going through it, I need jesus to take the wheel! hahaha I can't

That article:
http://www.foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners

Elysium

Reconsider (Jamie xx)- The Xx
Zombie- The Cranberries
Hunter- Portishead
Born to Die- Lana Del Raye
Unusual you- Britney Spears

"The waters"

    And as the day turned to night, I had put my full trust and confidence in you. Into the waters of uncertainty we marched. Nothing mattered as long as I was by your side. The water grew dark and anxious. I couldn't hold on to you anymore. Treading fiercely, going under surely, the water obstructed my view. You were drifting farther and farther away when the waves whisk me back to shore, slamming me against jagged rocks and cobble. Slipping, trying to gain my footing, emerging from the water and you slipped under, You were gone. As I looked around, noticing the others wading on rocking ground. They too held their hopes proud. And I broke down. letting out every shrill and sob that had ever belonged to me. My sobs grew deeper, screams louder, body weaker remembering the moments before. The moments we held each other in a warm, secure embrace and I literally saw myself in your eyes. In my giddy little school girl way, trying to hold in all my excitement for our journey together, rejoicing and singing praises of our unity. For I have never seen a man, so beautiful and so kind and truly feeling content. Curse me! I should not have been washed upon the sea. I didn't care about the waves I would have endured them because we were together. I wanted us. Angry that I know, something is telling me I can't have "us". Where ever he was going, wasn't for me.

     I through myself into hysterics so hard the convulsions woke me up. and I laid there with my eyes open thinking what the hell dream is that! I was exhausted, confused. I know when my dreams are rubbish, but this one is now the trilogy. I need help with this one. I seriously think I'm confronting issues that I've been evaluating for years and yet maybe I'm not and I'm missing it altogether. My mind is jumping to the worst things possible. I'm trying to calm myself down and think metaphorically, um I seriously need to breathe and calm down.

Fix it jesus!

ELyse

Current Song(s):

Farther Away- Evanescence
Lost In the World- Kanye West & Bon Iver

I'll be alright carry on :)

   I just woke up and I was over it. I went up to Boston for the new years. All these thoughts were racing in my head like what if I was presented with a huge job offering because of the gig I had up there and I moved back?! I even txtd the ex to wish her a happy new year... I dont really think I felt good about doing that. But as I woke up the next day just saying "okay" and in a good way. Like I had accepted the fact that Boston isn't my home. I no longer wanted to be offered a job at my old spot and it was all okay. I was good to keep all of that up in Boston. Good to close the door. I had had so much fun meeting new people and hanging out with old ones that whatever wish I had for me and JB settled itself. And whatever I felt about the one who shall not be named, disappeared. It was a moment and it totally passed. Everything, for this moment, just passed. And that is all I need right now is moment. A moment to get back on my feet, take a deep breath, make a list and continue trucking. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to find the answer myself. Listen to myself and love myself and not shame myself for caring and loving people that are not worthy or deserving of it. Sometimes it happens. And well it happens a lot. This too shall pass.

eLLe*

Current song(s):

Hanging on- Active Child

Fekk, I need help.

     It's been one week since I've been home and I gotta tell you, there's a heaviness like non other. My dreams have only been confirming so. Way too many goodbyes like two weeks ago. I know no one lives forever, but Mr. Eaton was one that I was not even close to expecting. He made me who I was or who I am, whatever. He believed in my leadership talents way before I knew I had them. Treated every kid of wphs like his own and made them feel special. In no way shape or form was I ready to say goodbye. Yet another situation I was forced to be strong. I'm over it. An overwhelming week to say the least. Only to hit NY to feel the heaviest I've felt in a long time. Every dream is a mirror and telling me I have repressed anger that I need to confront. But how?!!! I don't feel like I'm running, déjà vu. I cannot shut my mind off. And I'm afraid to admit what I'm not even sure is accurate. But idk. It can't be so. And then my sister says the guy at the bar that I've managed to pick up is the boy version of her. The intensity, the hips, the delicate danty masculine image. And then he got his coat. And it was her coat. FEKKK!!! Aeropostale fur lined zip up. Fcuk he was her. Only she was more put together.  This can't be right!
     I look at her now and I don't recognize her. She's not what I had years ago. I probably never had her. And i find myself needing to talk to her. Wait what? I don't need to talk to her. But it's like all the stuff I went through to not talk to her and tell her feels odd. But then again the last time we "spoke" we yelled at each other, arguing over shit I did that truthfully I had nothing to do with. I was so turned off I was like bye Felicia! I saw her mdw and she wasn't the person I fell in love with. And I know she saw me and thought that's not the person I ever fell in love with. We were estranged. Yet somehow now, I don't know what to believe or feel.
   Life doesn't make sense to me right now. There's the theory of confronting fears, and theory that you're running from them. Lately people and my dreams are telling me I need to confront my fears. I thought I was doing that. I make sure that I'm honest with how I'm feeling. I pick up artistic outlets like piano, guitar, drawing, singing, dancing  etc to allow myself to express myself freely. I even started this blog. It's my online diary, it's where I'm honest and me.. And I allow myself to be seen by an invisible audience. There's no telling who's in the audience but it's out there. Haunting and helping giving insight. Right now I want to talk to my friends and ask their opinion. It's not up to them. They can't help. They'll tell me I'm running. But I'm not. And when I'm not they tell me I need to date and distract myself. They have no idea what it is I do. So how can I rely on them to give me the advice I need. So I write here. Maybe I help someone with this. Maybe the one who shall not be named sees this. Although I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she knows better than reading these. She should have learned her lesson.
       It really doesn't matter what she's learned or hasn't learned. Whilst I don't miss all of her I miss some her. And some of the moments that were created by her. And as for JB it might take another few months to get over her. Granted I wasn't with her long. But man talk about seeing yourself married with someone and then having it Ripped from you and months later still holding on to the delusion that she's still your wife! I only hurt myself by holding on to her. She doesn't want to be held on to. I'm having a hard time accepting that. And I'm super hard on myself about it too. I'm so young though, life can't be about finding that person. Like that can't be what life is all about. I found my soulmate and let me tell you just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean you should be together. I'm just so stuck right now. I'm just angry at the world. And not sure how to make it right. I've been an "inspirational quote" junkie lately. Hoping one of those quotes will hit me in the face and I'll be over all of this. And love and worry about myself the way I do them. I'm going day by day, talking to myself in a soothing understanding matter. And yet my dreams are still telling me that there are fears I'm not confronting. Okay well how do I confront them. Cuz I'm so over this right now. My happiness needs to come from me and not love in another person. Idk I just can't even right now. I'm like stalemate, help!

*


Current song(s):

Scarburough fair: Simon and garfunkle
The world can be yours: Telepop Musik
Reconsider (Jamie remix) : The Xx
Hanging on: Active Child

Shut your brain off dude

    I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Just wasn't ready to go home. I found myself at the commons. Sitting in our spot. Wanting to text her, but not really. I didn't know what to make of the txt I got. Normally it would be whatever but I almost feel like life is repeating itself? 

     He txt'd me after a year asking to hang out and of course I'm like yea we can meet somewhere. That's about all I could do at that very moment. Funny thing is I left work thinking to myself "I just want to be in my bed and cuddle..." But when the opportunity presented itself I wasn't about it, AT ALL.  Usually I could go with the flow. But I really wasn't about it. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a year. I don't wanna romp with you. If we're just cuddling why do I have to be emotionally available to you because you told me you aint bout that life. Now you come across a girl that's not falling all over you and it's problem... That's where I checked out the first time. 

     Rochester made her guest appearance again a few days ago. The thought of me moving back to NY left her with the hope that there would be a little more of an us. It was sweet yes but not realistic in the slightest. Me and Rush hang out and talk more like we did a year ago, before we stopped. Same with the bohemian rhapsody... I look at this time last year and see the characters coming back and the timing seams very accurate. and in the order kind of. 

      Thing is I don't feel like I did anything wrong, like there was a lesson that needed to be learned, so this is going to continue until the lesson is learned. I loved this past year with Boston. It has been a real year. Very action packed. I'm over thinking it aint I? None the less, I just needed to not for about two seconds or 10. 

     I wanted to feel connected to her, I wanted very badly to put her in earshot of my name. I just don't know anymore. You work so hard to distance yourself from it all that you end up back in it. 

I'm treading and getting a little tired. Between worrying about how to make sure that my ends are met, doing what needs to be done, for now and future career and job and money and creatively feeding the soul... Wondering if a person still thinks about me as much as I'd like them to, in the way that i'd like them to, I'm just not in a mind zone to care. I really need to get through this weekend. All this networking is awesome but making me anxious because I can't pay bills on hope.

     I don't know what to make of it all... that's my biggest challenge... it is what it is ... there's nothing to make of it. Don't try to. 

ELyse

Current song (s): 

Any Other Name- Thomas Newman

Infinity- The Xx

Call it what you want

       It's that moment, a rude awakening. Some call it negative, pessimistic, realist, devils advocator etc. I don't know what I would call it, maybe just my thoughts? I can't be disney ALL the time. Man I'm killing moods left and right. They say if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all... Why is that? We're raised on "be honest" and then you're honest and it's wrong, that's not "appropriate" when is it ever appropriate, I mean really, let's think about this... ORRR Possibly because you just come off like a hater. That's probably it. "Just play along, let them have their moment, don't be a selfish bitter bitch." Yet somehow, today, these thought bubbles form into words and these words pour out "involuntarily". I may or may not need to work on my filter. So if I can't say it, can I use the side eye instead?
       I guess I'm feeling really controversial. Like I wanna debate, I wanna ruffle feathers make people uncomfortable. I have these thoughts who can I share them with? not the people around me that's for damn sure. I know how I should feel about Veterans Day today but leave it to me to feel opposite. Leave it to me to go into structural injustices of America. Leave it to me to not want to play along in reindeer games. A woman made a comment about catholics today and I side eyed her so hard... I tried so hard not to be condescending. Like how arrogant am I that I need to try to shatter people and their beliefs. as she proceeded to tell me that catholics love everybody... (i'm just going to sip my tea) That's great in theory but um humans are involved so that's just not true. And as I've gone to many a catholic churches and other churches I can honestly say that sorry you're inaccurate. But again, who the hell am I to go around bursting bubbles. Today really is not the day for me to have an opinion. Cuz I've got too much opinion that often rubs people the wrong way and maybe it's because I feel the need to express them. For the record I did not say anything to the woman about her catholic love. I just side eyed her. and minded my business as she was not talking to me. I digress
       Here's the thing. I apologize for it, because my opinions makes people uncomfortable. Like why can't your opinions be just as pretty as you are? WHY do they have to be? Why do I have to exist in a way that makes people more comfortable. Maybe sometimes I'm really controversial, and then maybe sometimes I'm really not and I could give two shits. Either way it's me, I shouldn't apologize for it, just maybe surround myself with people that will allow for a POV session and get it out. Idk I think today is just not my day for spreading the love and uplifting word.
      I'm just praying that no one else approaches me with more thought provoking concepts because I just can't. I'm trying to curb my enthusiasm and I'm slightly failing. Just a Smidgen I need some sleep.

Elle

Current Song(s):

Flume- Insane

The chase

             But the truth is I want to be sought after. I mean really thats all that can be said. Nor do I think it's a ridiculous request. I think I've put myself through enough torture. Agonizing and over analyzing everything, down to the very last drop. It's totally not in my cards right now and it's actually okay. But I know that when I'm truly down for a person I will drop everything and go and follow and do whatever they want. I'll try to be a billy badass and refuse because I should be practical but my heart always wants to put a person first. It's not healthy. and I know it's not healthy because I get so tired of giving and giving and giving that it tips my scales and I'm selfish as fcuk. And then at that point it's just a wrap. I've never really found that balance. oops... I'm not mad about it, I just know now... nope nope nope, I just accept it now. Yea that's better.
             I am many things. Sometimes all at once even. I cannot apologize for that. and I'm not anymore. I think that wall that I've been trying to build back is finally coming back. Truthfully I dig it. Maybe that's why I didn't take her number. I only gave her mine. my thought process is such that if you want to txt me you can, but I will not chase you. The only thing this girl is chasing after is her dream. I need to keep that dream in view. I get side track so hard and will forget everything. I'm finally getting around to being motivated again.
              So you're like, what is she talking about? I met a girl, so stupidly delicious! she was that 80's early 90's heart throb that made all the girls swoon. and somehow I managed to claim it that night. Now usually I'm like lets exchange numbers. but this time I said you know what? you take mine before you leave. If she contacts she contacts and if not thats fine too. Because I know if I had her number I'd be like obsessing and getting eager and putting myself out there and distracted and I'm like nope not this time. Do what you want. At this point I'm so up in the air with living situations and job situations that I don't want a like interest to be the reason I pass up a good opportunity or make me not try as hard. That's what happened with my last ex. I stopped pushing so hard to go to Barcelona because I could tell she thought I'd just up and leave her. So to show her I was loyal to her, I said fcuk it. and we're not even together anymore. Granted I've been doing some wonderful things out here. But to be fair I'd do great things anywhere I go. And the point is, for as lonely as I get sometimes, I was never driven by love. By having that perfect relationship. aspiring to be in that perfect relationship. I was always driven by doing what I love and something I'm proud of. All the other stuff is minor to me. Yet somehow, I tend to get caught up in all the heresy of relational matters that I start to second guess myself. It's just not necessary..what ever will be will be. I'm getting a hold of my life, I don't wanna lose focus... I also know I'm dope as shit. So why am I putting out all the effort. NOPE bye felicia! cause when a persons worthy of you, they will do whatever it takes to show you that they are. and right now nobody is! sorry bout it.

ELysium

Current song(s):
U2- Sleep like a baby tonight