Somewhere else

     (Sigh) I'm feeling the itch again. Didn't you just move to Boston?... Yes. And you want to move again? ...Yes. I think the longer I stay in one place the more suseptable I am to settling down. To settle down is to settle period. I don't want to settle. My purpose on this earth is not to be in a relationship, I just know it. I'm meant to spread beauty, show people their true inner most capabilities. Rattle peoples feathers by holding a mirror up to them. It's frightening to come face to face with your fears in a way that's beautiful, it's death defying boarder line suicide. I don't want to be saught after. Well I do and it's rather nice. But I also don't want to get caught up. And I unfortunately that started to happen. Yeaup I'm gonna cut that shit out quick. Idk why I was so put off, But I was, I completely lost my appetite. I was that "red head" I met a long time ago. The only difference is I forced myself to look at this chick and they're not together it was his ex, anyway the more I did the further my appetite was, I felt myself go on lockdown. It solidified, yet again, what I was knowing all along. She couldn't look me in the eye because she laid feelings within ex. And she couldn't acknowledge my presence because she didn't care for my presence. Real shit. And tonight, whilst I'm just a friend, I didn't care for his exes presence whether they're just hooking up for shits and giggles or not. I did feel some type of way. And that's not right. So we're gonna go ahead and not entertain that idea. You can love me all you want but I want nothing to do with feelings. And the longer I stay somewhere the weaker my stand is on being in a relationship. I need to keep going, keep moving. No new friends. Keep my eye on me and the takingoverization. I also don't really care too much for my "hype": please stop confessing your love for me. Seriously leave me alone cuz you're doing my friend and you think I don't know. I'm not laughing with you I'm laughing at you. Because now I feel like twisting the knife. So if you like me, do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut.
     Idk I'm in a solo mindset right now. Today I seriously contemplating quitting my job. Not because I don't like it but because I want to keep moving, I want to travel, I want to go to Barcelona I wanna be somewhere else. I'm young I want to live while I'm young so I know how when I'm older. I don't want to be involved in triangles and cliques. I don't want to fall for anyone. I don't want to entertain any of those thoughts, they lead me nowhere. I get distracted and it sets me back. Career comes first, not a relationship, not a family not children! Luckily my wall isn't shattered much. I rebuild and keep it moving. I'm not interested. Stay focused elle, for real.
      I guess I'm just disappointed maybe it's nieve of me to always believe in what people say to me. But I have to remember they're just words and people use them as weapons because clearly they're actions say something opposite. Maybe I'll try to look at it like "the I girl I want I can't have, so I'll settle for basic and or easy..." That's one way to look at it. Ha

I dunno whatever

*ELyse

Current song(s):

Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris feat Florence
Fly- Hilary duff
No Good Deed- Wicked soundtrack
I'm not that Girl- Wicked
Secret Door- Evanescence
Street lights- Kanye west
   

Full of shit!

     I think promises are SHIT!! People have gotten crafty and no longer use the word "promise" but a promise is formulated by "concrete" phrases like "I will", or "no matter what" etc. And then we like to reference the future or some sort of vague time frame like always or forever etc. As if we're philosophizers or some shit and it grinds my gears. We feel so strongly in the moment and start lobbying our love and content for one another that we just go saying the shit we think people want to hear. But there's more damage done that way and now you're trying to do damage control by saying I meant it then. Hmmm. Maybe promises aren't shit...maybe, people are full of shit. Things change, so I'm told. And me being queen of fickle, I should know. How you feel one moment may not be how you feel the next. Or maybe it is and people, again are so full of shit, tell you one thing and intend to do the other.  But I also don't go making promises to someone knowing how shifty I can be.  I feel very jumbled and turned about in my head right now. I hate relational promises " I love you always" " I will always love you" "I will always be there for you" "best friends forever" "...Through thick and thin" "nothing will come between us". "I'm not going anywhere, I will spend the rest of my life showing you..." Those phrases strike a nerve with me. Maybe because I hold people to their words. And then they usually negate them by saying "times changed" or again "I meant that then". But before you told me you meant that forever?!
       I don't like being left. So I won't even let you in. You'll look at me as the Girl from Ipanema. But keep it the fuck moving you can't handle this. And I think people start lying to themselves so they make promises to me trying to persuade me when they're really trying to persuade themselves. And that's why I don't like promises my two most bestest friends have never made promises to me and they never will because they know shit happens so don't go putting your foot in your mouth.
      Quick off topic yet relative to the message example: at my job we don't quote wait times. The second you quote a wait time is the second people start to hold you to it. And if a table is not ready in 15mins or a half hour they will be in your face about it because essentially you lied. And I totally get this transaction. Because now I feel stupid as Kanye would say "waiting on a dream that will never come true". And there I am a 25 year old feeling like that 8 year old on ferris ave waiting with her sisters for her father that never showed. That's that shit I don't like. Just don't say shit. Don't talk about it be about it. Forever is a mighty long time. Then I have to have these "interventions" with my friends as they try to deprogram my way of thinking. If I hear one more damn time  "things change.." " things change " " THINGS CHANGE" I'm gonna lose it!!! In these cases things don't change and neither do the people. Things don't change, they never were. And that's why people are full of shit! You make promises hoping it gains peoples trust and faith in you and then act like oh idk why you're so stuck on what I said that was then and this is now. I changed my mind. No you only say shit like that because things are great  and you're hoping you never have to experience the negative because you're word should be enough. So when it comes time to really show what matters  it's like fuck it! If they couldn't tell that I meant I was loyal and that I'm ride or die all day every day.  Then I'm not gonna try. I'm out.  And then start walking around with their chest pumped up like these bitches don't know how I am, I'm mad loyal they don't know shit.  Ummmm but what are your actions showing though! Okay. I think it's okay to say I love you or I got your back or you're like my sister. But all that extra shit like forever always til the end of time. The only one I want (especially when you have no lived long enough to know what's out there) is a show and now you're just playing house. You're playing a role of something you saw when you were younger and you think it's right.
    I don't know what it is about this day in age but there is no authenticity. (As if to assume I was alive for many generations ha so I could be completely wrong) but from stories of my grandparents era it seemed like when people wanted something they worked for it. I want your trust, your friendship or hand in marriage. It was something you had to work for. People were concerned about their family name and making sure you did not destroy all the foundation that they have built. Maybe I'm completely wrong. But words like loyalty and respect just seem to be an idea and not a reality. Or it's like I'm loyal until... Or we're friends until...  It's like we're all politicians in our own right. We all give these speeches and decrees that disclose "who we are" because it sounds good, we'd all like to believe that we are the realest of the real and it is our responsibility to expose all that is unjust and fake. We are the "divinity". But we wont put the work and it goes out the window.  Words are easier to say. So we throw them around yet they are the hardest to swollow. I hope  guys carry  salt or hot sauce.

*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Get the Thera flu...

       I worked a double today. Fcking ugh. This bitch is so damn sick it's not even funny. On my break today I sat with bohemian rhapsody and completely curled up under him. I had to apologize for it. I'm not usually so needy but I couldn't and didn't want to pull away. It got me to thinking, it's not the medication that always does the trick, it's the love and affection that you get from the one who's taking care of you. And sometimes you just want a person there to give you some type of affection. Maybe that's the medication you need. Cuddling does prove to be good for you. And hugs have been everything for me at the moment. I've been told that I give great hugs, it's almost become my mission, to spread love with one of my hugs lol. Like I've mentioned before I like people to feel safe and free and relaxed in my arms. I don't hug everyone only those deserving. Anyway. All that to say I'm very nurturing and maternal and now that I'm sick I'd really love that back. Like when you're a kid. It was your mothers love and touch that bought you back to good health. Well now as I get older I don't want my mothers touch I want that persons touch. I want them to care for me like a mother would but the touch should be from that person, you know. THAT person. But I could never say it. I want someone to stroke my face or yell at me when I'm being stubborn. I can be pretty difficult so you have to be strong and understand the balance I need. Man I tell you I require a lot. It's because I'm the baby isn't it. Lol oy!
       I spoke to Ly today and she's like am I gonna have to come take care of you and I just started thinking man I'd love that. In fact I'd even go to prov cuz I have some days off. But again I could and would not ever tell her I need her or ask her how she would feel if I came to prov. I'll just heal on my own. I work tomorrow but I have the next two days off. I'll have to get better on my own.! I'm so clingy right now. Ugh I hate being sick. Whatever

*elyse

Finding elysium.

        After a long day I found myself getting carried away on the dance floor. I feel like this point of my life should be called Finding elle. Or discovering elysium or Boston oh idk, but I say that because now I'm finding my interests. I've been looking for a place to go dancing. I don't mean bump and grind I mean partner, slow dance. Well tonight I went out with my coworkers for a birthday celebration. It was salsa,meringue etc music all night. I was nervous at first and then I just jumped right in. It was amazing! I was literally swept off my feet. My legs and thighs were burning. I was being spun around in circles and held and guided. I laughed and smiled all night.
      I had to really allow myself to be led. To trust my partner. I'm so used to just jumping in and taking the lead. I lead even when I'm following. But as the night went on I let go a little more. Especially when I danced bacciatta. It was so sensual. Once I dropped my guard I felt so light. I danced with my coworkers friend and he smelled of freshman year of college. I closed my eyes and fell into his arms something fierce. I caught myself and realized where I was and he's like no holding me is fine and we laughed. I like when I can just have fun and not be so closed off. I shut myself off a lot and it stifles me. I was a free spirit dancing in the wind. Alex danced with me and was coaching me, telling me not to look at my feet once I stopped I swayed and floated. I allowed him to completely have control all I had to do was move my hips and he took care of the rest.
        Dancing puts everything in perspective for me. Really learning how to not be in control and learning to relax and then understanding the feelings that transpired once you allowed yourself to free up. And know how to have a great time without being drunk. Tonight was everything and I need to do it again.
       I haven't been so close to a male in such a sensual way, flirting, laughing etc. in a really long time. the smell of their cologne the confidence to lead and dominate but also be gentle. Idk what's happening but Boston is really doing things for me right now. I find myself being game for a lot of stuff. If the wind blows I'll follow it. I'm having so much fun just letting my hair down. Not worried about nothing but enjoying being life as it comes.
     Well except for being sick. But I'll get over it, I'm having too much fun putting myself out there. And taking risks.

* Elyse

Current song (s):

Hayling: FC kahuna

Free up

       Like I seriously need a cleansing. In need to rinse my soul out with some shit. I just need a reup. I mean I can't be miss social butterfly all the time. I want to sit in my room with a being and be quiet. No talking just being. And if I happen to find myself under your arm. Don't hold me with your arms just pull me with your spirit. Reassure me gain my trust with your aura. Don't be too eager. Just fall into it. Sometimes it the absence of words that draw us closer. Making you kindred souls on a journey of enlightenment. And yet somehow I think I'm on a playing field all by myself. In this case beggers should be choosers. I can't take sacred moments like this from anybody. So this may mean that I give out more hugs at work than normal. But I can't have just anyone. Which makes it dangerous. It's a powerfully intense moment sometimes. So I wind up walking away. Shutting it off. Maybe I should stop turning it off. But really I'm not for everyone. Not everyone can handle it. It reminds me of "tattoos". I didn't know anyone could kiss with such intensity. You only see that in movies and there I was in that movie lost in a moment, a drunk moment of passion. Where everyone could see and I could only see her and truthfully sometimes I couldn't even see her. I was just there and happy to be there. At one point we just our foreheads together and I just got weaker. She's a damn phantom. That shit was unreal unlike anything I've felt before. Not from a kiss. But enlightening. I want that all over again.  But like I said i don't want that from anyone. Some energies are tainted and they leave filth in yours and that's not always easy to remove. I need a serious detox.

         My body wanted soo bad to cuddle with my coworker. I needed that attention. Swerve! I dodged it. Ended up saying no. It's been so long sooooo long but um the warning signs had to be honored cuz it would get strange. Our auras are both too dangerous for words. She reminds me of myself back in the day. And I can still be like that, which is why I don't drink too often because the fangs want to come out and the black widow wants to strike. She's like that too. So let's not and never say we did. It's too easy. And when it's too easy... It's not for me. I can be very strict with myself. Maybe now is the time to not be. At the moment I can't bring myself to do that. I'm very susceptible to bullshit. And I'd really rather not.  

           That whole rant for no reason I just want to be around good vibrations and rid myself of lingering tastes in my mouth. I'm not going to that party. It's not where I need to be. Carry on.

*elyse

Current sing(s): 

hayling- FC kahuna 

Butterfly- bass nectar 

Sail- awolnation 

     

       

I'm definitely in my zone!

           Yeaup mom dukes doesn't make this any easier. But it's good to know that she approves. My mom is soo special to me so I'm glad she got to come and meet everyone that's special to me and they treated her like a queen. My mom is THE shit, having her up here being cute and such I couldn't deal with her! *wait time out! So she just bought this snake skin print dress that I made her get because she looked amazing! I've never seen her look so young and light and stress free! Now that she doesn't have to parent much because we've gotten to that age, she's just enjoying her life as she needs to be. She's worked hard, I love to see her this way and I love to show her off! I'm so proud of her. So naturally I take her opinion very seriously. I spoke to her about bohemian rhapsody on the way up. And she loves the sound of him. We laughed about my fickle heart because she knows the way to have me is " to not want me". And she's like "oh no! I have to tell him not to ever tell her you like her or she's gone!" She's like please don't go "nils" on this poor kid. Nils is a kid I was obsessed with, I went out of my way to make him like me and the second he did I was over it. Then years later we reconnected I did the same thing. It was like cat nip and I was like nope change my mind. Ew. But he was and is beautiful. Just didn't want it anymore. Any who later that night I took my mom to the beat hotel and she got to meet him and she's like "um if you don't tap that I will!" Clearly as a joke. But she's like this guy is perfect for you right know. He's eating your food (I hate when people touch my plate) he's drinking your drinks putting his arms around you and you fit right into it. It looked natural, it's the way you looked with the J. She's like I'm not saying you will get married but he's perfect for you right now. And I think he's tryna get an invite to the next holiday meal. My mom just sat giving me advice as a friend and less as a mother. It's amazing to see her this way. She's a smart ass woman she knows what she's talking about she's brilliant. Now I'm sitting here really trying to put him out of mind. He's not my type. He's an amazing friend. But he's got a lot of guppies on his plate, I'm kinda like the salmon. There's no room for that. Is it really possible for me to just be his friend. I think I was good until people started commenting the amount of which we hang out. He's just easy to hang out. My admiration is a curse. To EVERYBODY. I really will fight deeper feelings for him cuz it's just not, no! I need my own strength right now. Tap into my own capabilities. And on that note:
            My dream last night was a recap of all my emotions and mainly bohemian Rhapsody. And honestly I'm so happy Boston is my home.  I hate sometimes and it scares me probably more than NY, but with work life I've created such a family and to have my mom witness it and tell me that she approves and the fact that she loves coming up here to visit me, I feel complete. The only thing i want to say is that I enjoy B.R's company, he's like everything. I love him! but I dont want to put more into it than necessary. I'm going to rock this agency, reminding them of why they need me and signing me was the right choice. ANDDD I can't wait for Barcelona, I know it's gonna happen. It gets closer and closer the more I put that energy out there. Shoot I've been watching cheetah girls 2 non stop, in fact I'll put it on right now because All things are possible through The Lord. And he Has been looking out for me all along. And if he wants me with Bohemia then that's what I'll do. But the takingoverization is staring me in the face and I need to DO WORK!!!

*Elyse

Current songs (s):

Breathe- Telepopmusik
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik

This too shall pass...

          Yeaup I kinda didn't want that to happen. I'm trying so hard to look forward I've got my hand up so I don't look at the peripherals but its inevitable. Nope nope I can't look into his direction. Okay really though who am I kidding I've thought about it. But I really thought I was over it. Now peach has me questioning it again. He's my bohemian rhapsody, I love him so much. I'm such a softy when it comes to him. But he's really just a friend. I can't go down that route. But he is beauty personified. He's devastating. Perfection in every way and yet so totally not my type. Peach nearly fell out when I showed her what he looked like. Believe me, I flutter everytime I see him. Dammit everyone does! But I don't think we're for each other. He holds my hand and I don't know how to interpret it. We went to our sister restaurant and he got extremely PDA with me and I actually was uncomfortable. Because around that time everyone was making mention of the fact that we're "always" together. He's really just my friend. I love him so much but I will not cross that line. I think because I love him so much. He's amazing, but the second I think about him as more than that I get jealous. He can't be tamed. And I don't want to do that. We all think he's beautiful. But it's just a bad idea. I'm just in a very needy and affectionate place. Ugh idk. But I ain't going there!!! Nope I refuse. It fux everything up.
          But I'm happy I could even talk to peach about him and other passer by's. I've really missed her. She like raised me!!! I lost her for a few years and honestly that shit hurt. I wanted to share her with the world. I wanted ppl to see her the way I did growing up. We drifted so far apart. I was going through it and so was she and she still kind of is but she's in a better place. To be around someone that knows me to a T is comforting, we laughed about everything I didn't want to leave. I felt like I got my peach back. She tunes me in to myself. It was what I needed, that, and also i don't know when I'm gonna be able to get back to see her and if she'll still be in that house.
           I feel like I let my grandma go yet somehow the idea of not having that house grinds me. My mom made her peace with it. But I have not. I'm gonna be so sick when the house is gone. It's just not right. Yet the house has so much debt it's not worth keeping and peach doesn't have the money to keep it. It really sux and I have to get over it. I'm just not the best with getting over things. And suddenly I'm remembering everything and I don't want to. The house is the last thing too her and soon that will be gone. I can't think about it. I won't think about it. There's no point. Thinks is how I comfort myself. By saying "suck it up. These are the breaks..." Noooo. Nooooooo. Be strong, elle. This too shall pass.

*Elyse


Current song(s):
     This used to be my playground- Madonna
     Playground love-Air
     I need some sleep- the eels