Restless

      You ever hear yourself talk and literally hear it hit the brick wall? And in another desperate attempt to get the ball rolling you search for another mindless "snapple fact" and it just kills cuz you know it's just gonna hit the wall, you feel it, and you do it anyway? And suddenly you realize you're reaching. That was me today attempting to talk to my mom. Only she's too busy preparing for this vacation and I can't be too sure that she was ever the one I really want to talk to. But she usually does the trick. Today I felt like Coraline trying to talk to her mother and she's not into it... Is there a little door in my house somewhere?! Shit I already have a black cat!! I mean it's not like there's anything really exciting going on. Oh who am I kidding, of course shits exciting, there really is no cause I just feel better.
     Okay okay fine! I just need my mind to be settled and distracted because I'm having a hard time being here now, she's all I want I do and it's not an option... I took a trip down memory lane and I just feel so great about it. I looked at old videos of my birthday in '11 and could not stop smiling and laughing. I was ferocious. Hell! I still am! But it was great to look back at myself and not cringe, I looked back at a time where I felt so ugly and realized I really wasn't. I wasn't big, in fact I'm bigger now, but I was dope and I beat up on myself so hard for no reason. I lost myself so hard. Those videos are just epic! Truly entertaining! And then you come home to a beautiful blue house with this huge yard and realize (a) this will always be my home (b) I really am rich. It's not just about the material things I have, but the people in my life, the energy, my job, my talents... Everyday I'm reminded of what I have all the small things, and I realized I don't want to beat up on myself and put someone above me that won't lift me up. I want to do this alone. I want to keep going, keep discovering Elysium because it's truly been a blessing. I can be really oblivious. Possibly why my friends get so frustrated with me cuz it's really been too long. And I've exhausted the situation long enough. I'm bout to break out in "let it go" from frozen and "defying gravity" from wicked. Okay I really don't know if that's the correct name from frozen but who cares, I know what I'm talking about even if you don't.
       I tangentize too much... My point was when I feel good about something I want to share it. And because recently I've been spending time with someone more than anyone and I'm starting to put her in THAT role. And she doesn't belong in that role. No matter what. I have to remind myself  "all that shimmers isn't diamonds, it could be a rhinestone. It's nice but it ain't legit. There's nothing btwn us but sexual attraction... I can't go sharing with her because I will be let down. So hard. I've already shared enough with her. Let's be real she's just a "decoy". Every now and again God sends me someone right when I've sworn off partnership and vowed to be alone and happy with that decision. I think he's showing I do have the capability to jump into something with someone, and truly give it my all, but they aren't the ones. I don't think it's my time. But he's letting me know it is out there, just when the time is right. So now I'm sitting at home awaiting this vacation telling myself "you don't miss her. Calm down move along..." Not gonna lie I think I needed that pep talk. Almost tripped onto some feelings... Swerve!  Bye Felicia!
I'm really just too into myself right now, and that's right where I wanna be

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Defying Gravity - Wicked
Hayling- FC Kahuna
All is full of love- Björk