I want to officially congratulate myself, two years of not being with someone seriously. Although you could question me and ly. I'll get back to that one. But as for my congratulations, well it's rather hard to make an acceptance speech when you can't really tell if you've truly gotten over her or not. I was on the phone with Spongebob for quick sometime yelling at her. And by yelling at her I mean yell to the void that, that bitch left me with. Demanding answers that I'll never get. Wanting truths that I'd never believe. Two years later and I'm still just as angry. Idk if I'm moving forward or backward. I'm at a standstill... I feel like I've tried everything I could think of. I even moved to Boston... And seriously the next stop is out of this country. Heavy. I am a heavy heart to carry. And it is true "I love you never felt like any blessing" in fact it never does...
I told ly that I loved her. Because I do. And as I assess the what we were, what we are, what we have and what we had. It's time to say GIRLBYE! I didn't want to give up so easily on her because I love her. I tell myself be patient and understanding. Just chill out. But if there is one thing I know about us is that, we are kindered spirits. But this is "Kermit" all over again. The push and the pull, the struggle. He drove me batshit!!! BATSHIT!! I let him get away with murder, I damn near gave him the knife. And I went back for years. Because I felt guilty for being a major bitch in high school, and when we were on. Ugh gosh we were so on. I loved him and he loved me. We were not it for each other. But I would have spent a lifetime going back and forth with him because I kinda liked it. Only he would never give himself to me. He'd just continue to watch me with others and then criticize me for it. And make me feel bad for not being with him. Truth is. He wasn't bout that life and he never was. And Ly? She's falling into that same pattern. If it were a friend in that position I'd be like GIRLBYE but as much as I'd like to lie to myself. I cannot. She's a sweet girl and lame one. And lame because she doesn't want me. I want her to want me. Then again she does but there is no action behind it, and that's where the lame comes in.
So now once again I have to detox from this girl, purge her existence out of my life, she cannot stay. And she doesn't want to. Those speeches she gives me are farce and I will not give her warning. I'm just done. No crying wolf, just GIRLBYE!! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! It's not saying much for the standards I keep for myself and its not fair to me. I'm trying hard not appologize for myself and say yeaup that's who I am. But these moments always make me feel "lesser than". I'm worthy enough to be the greatest person you know but not worthy enough to be the greatest girlfriend. And maybe I don't want to be that yet, and I just like playing house. It's just such a process. And here I go building those walls back up. And I know I say this all the time. But no one is getting through. Not this time! Nope aint gonna happen.
*ELyse
Current song (s):
Portishead- Humming
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