Give Thanks

             The load lightens just a little bit. I can only Give Thanks. Feeling the angst last night of traveling, of new locations, new jobs. I had a brief panic attack on the train. It really did not help that the train had stopped and then after 5 mins started to head back towards grand central. "WRONG FCUKING DIRECTION!" Maybe if the conductor spoke in audible volume we all might have heard him... Fuck there goes my heart, "ugh what is that." numbing tingle through my body "come on elle shake it off". Breaths heavier if at all... "breathe Bitch! Breathe" "okay okay water in the bag drink that shit, shake it off, nope now the face is leaking, salty, fuck. tears. Together, Pull it!" I wan't to talk to peach so I txtd her she types "ok."... ...  DAFUQ! NOPE not exactly the response I was hoping for. Earlier today she told me we can get our cards read but she wants to do my charts.  I'm like what are charts. she says based on "xyz" our charts tell us who we are destined to be. Instantly I pause and I'm like NO... I've always wondered what my true calling was because I've always felt like I'm greater than what I'm allowing myself to be. Almost as if... no almost... it's because I'm afraid of my own awesomeness, I stifle myself. BUT I WILL BE DAMNED if some chart tells me who I'm destined to be. I'm destined to be whatever not because of some damn chart but because God chose me. I'm combative now. I stop and I'm just like yea sure, do my charts. So in trying to find a christian psychic, I come across a question and answer page and the answer that came of that just really clicked for me. Now I'm very into my dreams and meanings and two nights ago I had a dream that really waved a red flag. I sit wondering, WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THOUGH... and in the response that I read to a question being asked as to whether or not psychics go against christianity, she says, a lot of the times psychics go off of body language etc. TRUE. it goes on... but something I picked up was pray on what it is you are questioning and feeling. you probably already know the answer. okay in all honesty I don't really know if that snippet was in there. Sometimes the voices are so loud in my head its almost like I read it somewhere HAHAH. BUT non the less. that's what I got from it. Now recently things have been falling into place, I've been getting everything I want. and not that it's gonna go to shit... but if I were Princess Jasmine than Jesus would be Aladin and that mo fo just stuck his hand out to me and said do you trust me... and I said "What?" and he said do you trust me?! ...head nod... and I'm about to jump... and with all the hubbub and rifraf about to take place, I'll be okay if I just trust him. That's what my dream was saying... shit might hit the fan stop denying it. face it. I Like to act stupid like I don't know what's about to go down. and I'm concerned with a lot of things as I head up yonder. But God is looking out for me. I don't think I need to pay a psychic for her to bullshit her way to a reality that I already knew. Either way there will be confrontation and you have to handle them like an adult now. and that's basically speak up. DON'T GUESS Don't assume. you cause more rifraff than necessary.
       Anyway I just went home and lulled myself by therapeutically stalking on facebook and singing "hallelujah" in my head... that's my next cover btw. I rambled on to the lord until I went to sleep. You that's always been a "tradition" of mine. I ramble on and on working myself into a frenzy, explaining things that he already knows about me. He probably looks at me and is like okay child, I get it. I've heard enough but I keep going so he's like go bed, I got this, and next thing you know I'm sleep and I wake up like I'm really sorry I didn't even say goodnight, and I final thanks I feel horrible that's so rude etc. he's soo over me lol
      But He's already started working. I tell him my plans and he says okay. He gives me a feeling that, whilst you think thats whats gonna happen this might too so just stay alert and trust me. and I say okay. I'm soo not as stressed as I was financially. I mean I'm still concerned I'm a worry wort. But by speaking up, I got help. and as much as I like to do everything on my own or find ways to show that I have everything under control. Take the help if someone is offering. A closed mouth does not get fed. and stubbornization runs rampant in my family. All I have to say is I can't thank the lord enough... but I will try! Giving Thanks no matter how small... This bitch is fine hunty! carry on!

*ELyse

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