"I Can't"

          I can't even front, I'm sitting here in tears. It's been so long since I've cried and maybe it hasn't, but considering the fact that I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night or wake up in tears, it feels like it has been forever. I think it's also a combination of everything that's going on and feeling the realness of all the excitement that has been happening in ONE month. Yea shit got real in ONE month.
         But I'm really thinking about it and I can't. When I think about what it means to say "I can't" I guess what I'm trying to say is I wont. I've just decided that I can't wait for her. I have a girl that lives so far away from me but is willing to try to meet up with me, when she can. I have another girl who lives across seas telling me that she's coming for my show. yet Ly tells me that she likes me, I make her feel "x" and "y" but then what is so hard? Don't tell my friends how you feel. It's irrelevant. Does it take away the fact that I love her? No. I wont take that back. But in the course of a month I have seen the possibilities. To be with her would be to settle. I have a fickle way about me. But when I know, I know and if I have to question then there's something wrong. So if you have doubts, you aint bout that life and I cannot wait for you. Things are probably not going to anywhere with Al but i'll enjoy her company if I can and Barcelona is way too far, but I will enjoy her if I can. and Tattoos?! oh tattoos? nothing will come of tattoos but she's amazing. And they're all showing me different things. Different in a way that says our differences are so different they're the same. and it brings me back to Bel. she needed to feel like the sun rose and set on her ass. and vise versa. and I get it now. Bel wasn't genuine. She was willing to get it anywhere. I'm single I want it everywhere. but ultimately I want it from one and only one. BFF says maybe it's time to put yourself on a pedestal. that I don't give myself enough credit. I put tattoos on the biggest pedestal. I fall short of her, she's bad. But you know what I am too. I am a catch, you will never have a dull moment with me, I will keep you on your toes. There will be days that you hate me. there will be days that you like me... But you will always love me. And that's what I want and I see that it's out there. I can't pretend that I'm not crazy, I am a pretty good actor. I can't pretend like I'm not mean. My tongue is too sharp. I can't pretend that I'm not flighty, stubborn, head strong, ill tempered, a diva, a princess, a know it all, a jackass. But for as much as I am those things... WHO ISN'T. I'll own my shit. I am Elyse! for all those "negatives" the positives are JUST as great. I won't pretend that I'm not romantic. I am. I won't pretend that I'm not smooth. I'm billy D williams. I wont pretend I'm not a mush. I am the biggest sap of all. I won't pretend I'm always strong. I do like to be rescued.
       But I want you get the picture. I can't Pretend. and right now I'm pretending. and lets be honest. If I was something that Ly wanted. she would have taken me. I won't wait for her to eventually come around. I'm trying so hard not to get stressed out about my move and new job and show. 99 problems but a girl wont be one.
      I will play my deck of cards. I'm happy for that weekend in PTown with her. I don't take anything back. But I really have to stop giving girls priority when I'm not theirs.... GIRL BYE

*ELyse

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