Keep going

    Am I glad it's over? You betcha! But in the long run its not over, it's never over. I gotta keep going! When I broke up with Bell, my sister and I had a long convo. It was more like a session of me bitching and complaining of irrelevance. Stupid shit and people I could not change and after I stopped whining long enough to hear her. She goes "you take yourself way too seriously" and in quick defense mode I shoot back with a "no I don't! You don't understand..." But I heard her and I stopped arguing with her. She was right. Then I thought about how I worked with children in albany and bell told me that kids acting up is nothing personal to me, take myself out of the situation and you'll be able to control the situation but so long as I take it as a personal attack, they win. And sure enough I did that and she was right.
      I bring that up because that's exactly what I had to tell myself and remind myself these last two days. Somewhere along the road I have learned that I was not ever good enough. If people can't see that you're amazing then you're nothing, forgotten, elyse who? But instead of trying harder I give up I say fuck it and throw in the towel. Some how felt like the wizard of oz, I'm not really all that powerful I'm just a phony hiding behind the smoke screen. As my mind goes a mile a minute, Ly slows me down. And I can still hear her voice like a babbling brook. She's so easy to listen to. She has great tonality. It's like a silk ribbon blowing, I can listen forever. Okay I'm getting away from the point, she has that effect on me... *snap back to it elyse! Right* she probably told me what everyone else has been telling me. But it reached me when she said it. She asks questions and I start spilling my guts. It's like word vomit. And I just want to tell her everything. I want her to know everything. Okay back to it... So basically she tells me, you can do all it is that you want but you should be doing it for you and not for anyone else. Because you're gonna exhaust yourself and you'll never be happy. Then you'll start to hold resentment for everything. And I'm paraphrasing. But that's what I took from it. I called her being all upset about losing my grandmothers house and it turned into that. And she was completely right. So I started to back track and sift through what's been on my plate. And saw myself getting ready to do or  doing what I had been doing for all my life: RUN because shit got real instead of fight through it. Take everything as a learning experience instead of a personal attack... Cuz they're all out to get me! Maybe some are. But if I focus on all that matters those things we have no choice but to call people can never get me. 
      So on Wednesday my first week of performing for the audience commenced. And I recieved some solid feedback from the judges and that was that I'm holding back. I am a performer but I'm like a showgirl waiting to bust out. I have it there I need to just do it. But they liked me. And then one judge said i was a gay man trapped in a woman's body! Success. And they weren't sure if my song selection was the best one. Only because they feel like I can do more and really open up and give more. And I definitely agree. On Thursday, I had a face off competition. I didn't win and I didn't expect to win honestly. But I did realize I'm a novice!! In deed! I need to just do make up as much as I can. When it comes to my art and drawings I feel like I don't like my work being critiqued, so telling me you don't like the choices I've made... And who are you!??  But I just rolled it off and said whatever dude that's you. The best part is coming back to my job and having them be soo proud of me. And I love them for that. They're so supportive. But again I'm a novice! And what I'd want to do is beat up on myself make an excuse and quit. But not this time. Because this is only going help me narrow down what it is want to do and solidify me. 
      I just have to keep going. Learn and grow. Laugh at myself... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!!
I'm so thankful for the smart people around me. Good vibrations!

ELyse*

Current song(s):
Let's forget all the things that we say- Julia stone
Weight of the world- evanescence