Some sorta way?

I'm feeling soo bombarded with emotions. Feeling like I'm not allowed to feel curtain things. I guess I brought that on myself. I created that. So now that I feel a certain way and created this "Image" I'm not allowed. I certainly feel very "Lykke Li- Everybody But Me", spot lights and loud sounds and a very defensive hand trying to block out the lights, duck and motherfucking cover.  Defend my honor. I just don't want to hear the "I told you so's" in fact don't even think about it. Cuz YOU'RE WRONG! you don't know shit. I really am put together I don't need anyone telling me my business. I just feel what I feel. Feeling like I'm not allowed. Well you know what fuck it. I don't give a shit! I miss you. yeaup I do. I hold people very close to me, even though I push like mad to keep you away from me. Been so afraid of confronting those feelings. Solidifying those thoughts. But in talking to myself I put it out in the universe. No taking it back. I just cannot have it all mixed up. He's that forbidden fruit. It seems so alluring duh, but when you're in a relationship you don't want to confuse the two, missing somebody because you just miss them, or wanting to be back with him. It is what it is, I can't completely cut off my arm and expect to never miss it! maybe my appendix or tonsil but not an arm or even a toe. and you know what? I wouldn't want him to just dismiss me in return, it's rude. Two years and some change, first love and you didn't make an impact on them and visa versa then thats truly sad. I'm just torn. So many thought's in my head with no option to explore just left with a bunch of words and assumptions and expectations from everybody else, that, Thank you but no thanks, I don't want your commentary! The more I write, type and think about it... I like where I am, I like being with her. It doesn't make sense to some, doesn't always make sense to me, but i don't feel like trying to make sense of it. Cuz it is what it is? I woulda miss out on the people i've met. Maybe I woulda met better people. But I woulda been living and thinking inside the box. A box that I lived in for two years. Nothing wrong with it, just not a box a want to be in. I do miss you! I do think about you! I do wish you well. But I don't wish for regression and I think that's what's gonna happen if I don't take the road less traveled by.

-eLLe