I'm So ON!

         So Yesterday I woke up saying PRAISE THE LORD!! I just was feeling all types of good. I think the only thing that had a great chance of ruining it were my unbearable cramp pains! " Said oh lord jesus itza fire!" But even still yesterday was a good day. Just living and loving. Even if its just being in love with the company I keep around me, truly feeling blessed honored and privileged to be me, I know some of the smartest and funniest people ever. There is never a dull moment. and In moments when you just want to break down and cry (which is like always) talking about the situation that brings you to that point isn't always the answer... Laughing about something else, completely irrelevant to that situation and just being goofy is the only cure!
        There's a "coworker" that I see very seldom but I'm just obsessed with. He's truly amazing and it was sooo nice to hear all about view points on life, the gay society etc. It's so refreshing to know that there are people who don't fall trap to all the misagosh that has been strapped to this community. He's a powerful mind and I'm so glad to know him. (love fest much?) but we all sat backstage getting rowdy in discussion, which sounds like a typical lunch time at my job, and he's like I'm always on your page you have like the best pictures and post. I sat there floored because I always feel so damn invisible. I feel like I don't do enough, that I could be out there more, really making the most out of my time and capitalizing on the relationships out there. not to mention having moments where I don't feel complete because Im not with anyone. Man I tell you this society really chews women up. First we're not beautiful enough, we're not strong enough. We're not meant to be in the work force. And if we are clearly we're not fit for marriage. And the only reason we're so driven in that work force is because we're bitter, uptight women that can't get laid or find a man and have children as that is our only calling (barf). I am a disney channel fanatic but sometimes I find it hard to watch because they insist on painting girls this way. It's like you don't have to be painfully opposite just switch it up give diversity, its rather sad. I digress, i'll come back to that another time. I'm so self aware when it comes to the negative, I can quickly tell you all the things I do wrong, I almost hear it in slow motion as the words come out. or the situation will go in slow motion as its being done. But when someone says something nice about you, you're like wait what? you really think that?! Bless your heart!
       I gotta tell you yesterday I was so ON! Charged and ready to WERQ! and as I sit on the train, sun shining amping up for the day... Janet Jackson "discipline" comes on... ... ... ... For real though? Now I haven't listened to that song in a hot minute. A HOT MINUTE! Mainly because I know she listens to that song as she fucks her. nice. But this time I thought of that and smiled. and a devilish smile to, because I introduced her to that song, With the ONLY RED LIGHT SPECIAL. Listen when I turn it on it comes ON iWERQ hunty. and she knows it. She can have the memories. Those don't fade. But I really haven't Turned that light on since her. and there have been some SONGS. WOOO CHILD. I NEED TO CREATE A NEW LIST. I'll keep it in my arsenal for that deserving person, they will feel like its there birthday... and guess what I don't even have hair and I'm confident (oh snap, shit just got real) I was ready to take on the day after that song. Janet really is like the only person that could have an orgasm in a song and you're like "I'll have what she's having!" I'm usually NOT a fan. But the first time I heard that song, I found myself slave to the rhythm, dancing without myself even being aware. like a ribbon I laced myself through that melody. by the time she started orgasming I couldn't even be mad at her, I was like play on playa. But that song is all types of dangerous. " said oh o lord jesus itza fire!" ( I got lost in the moment)
     And to top it off I heard from "Ly". I was so content on not speaking to her until I ran into her at PTown... and she texted me and of course my face just lit up. I've been thinking about her a lot. I wonder if her ears were ringing. I'm glad she reached out. It just really topped off my beautiful sunday. I don't know if I needed that but I sure did want it.
     So today I wake up ready to start my day. My second rehearsal. and lunch with my Booski! Which I'm nervous for because we're going to place that this girl works at and in my head I feel like I'm painfully obvious and now I'm like gosh Elyse, you shouldn't have. You have absolutely no chance with her and now she's creeped out. I'm not all too sure I want a chance with her but I hate when it's decided for me hahah spoken like a true diva. you win some you lose some... but there is soo much in store for me that really. iWIN

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Risk it

       So I spent all day today trying to figure out how do I put myself out there on the market. There's this girl that I think is attractive and I would love to just get to know her but the truth is I'm most likely NOT her type. Truth is I don't feel like I'm anyone's type. I scare people with my in your face aura. Meanwhile if they ever got the chance to know me, they'd build a nest in hopes I'd let them stay. My road block is she met me as the GoGo dancer, which doesn't usually rub people the right way. I'd be viewed as that girl you'd want to sleep with. "oh man, she's amazing! etc" but not the girl you'd take home to mom... hang down your head Tom Dooley, hang down your head and cry...
      Anyway I've been racking my brain all day. How do I get her attention in that way. I tell you I'm all about admiring from afar, I'm A LOT to handle. I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. I mean I don't embarrassment and I don't like rejection... oh wait who does. So as I spoke to my twin on the phone, I got so wrapped up in our convo and being like yo F this I'm gonna message her. Done and done... I'm totally not gonna check my fb for the rest of the night because I'm gonna start feeling nauseous again. Gosh so damn nerve racking because I can't control how she thinks and right about now (funk soul brother) I'm completely creating a scenario in my head and it goes a little something like: she reads the message, she's like ugh eww i'm (a) totally not gonna respond, (b) I'm gonna reply but I'm totally gonna duck and dodge this transaction to deter further transactions to be made or (c) idk just be all ew and awkward, cuz I don't like her like that. she's not my type. There's nothing more humbling than putting yourself out there. You're essentially preparing yourself for a bullet in the chest. and here I am, this bougie bitch, encouraging others to put themselves out there. Maybe I wont pull the trigger... no who am I kidding I'll always pull the trigger but maybe it will be blank. Any way I know nothing of this girl besides I see her out and is newly single. Well, I did it. I reached out to her and that's that. I guess I can continue to move about the cabin as I always do. I'll see what happens. I should be sleep, retail knows no weekend.

ps. Those letters??? they weren't there. I found a few small ones. but they weren't there. I know I definitely have them... but I'm definitely not meant to find them right now. I wont find them. I'll wait until they find me.

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Letters

           Soooo, it's been almost a year since I've read the letters she wrote me. I haven't really gone looking for them. but every time I've gone "looking" for that paper bag, it's never where I  thought I put it. I kept thinking "okay whenever I happen across them I'll stop and read them. yeaup it hasn't happened. I've cleaned my rooms many of times between then and now. Today, I know where it is. The stronger the feeling gets the louder the Jumanji music is. and now I'm passing gas. cuz that's exactly what happens when I get nervous, I pass gas. I stare at those boxes at the top of my closet and I think "fuck you're up there aren't you." I always envisioned me finding these letters whilst I was famous and the video would be me reading the letters and burning them. and it would be my emancipation. At first I wanted to have friends over I read them and then burn them in a bonfire. Out of sight out of mind because those letters never appeared and I know I have them. I always put things in places and say okay I know where I put it and i'll be back for it. WRONG :) whilst we were still civil I asked her if  she'd read the letters I wrote to her and she said no. and I was like I don't want to read them. she says why, and I most likely sounded like an asshole. but I was afraid to go back to that moment and be upset because it was all a lie. So I hoped never to find those letters anytime soon cuz I'd have to face the music. and whenever that wrap up music is played we all know that it means to wrap it up you've go on for too long. well do you hear it. cuz I do. I'm thinking "hey maybe I don't need to read it". I'm thinking hey maybe I do.
          Last night on my drive home, I teared a little. I thought about all the times I'd cry whenever she had to leave. or tell her if you get a bad feeling just turn around and come back to me. or how I'd get worried whenever she was in the car with anyone else driving. She never wanted to goodbye it was too final. ( That's how I know its final now) ... ... ...
          Maybe I'll find those letters... maybe I wont read them now. just to know that I know where they are.
          I've been comparing myself to others. wondering why they've found love so easily after a break up. I look at those same people who've posted these I love you's and forever yours on each others walls and pictures of jubilous bliss and they're no longer. In fact some have moved on to the next already. when I then think. all that glitters isn't gold. common elle you work in the makeup industry. you know all about face. The tricks people use to make their eyes appear larger or smaller. or that make them look angular in the face or like they have beautiful skill. meanwhile underneath it all they look like shit. FB is make up elle. it can either reflect ones life or give you a new one. But the cracks will begin to show. eventually. if they are there. Now I'm thinking " This is what you're comparing yourself to, you know that right? It's painful right now but ultimately you want something that works for you and until you get that you're not about that life. nor have you ever been. for as much as you think you don't like serious relationships, you're not a jumper either. so take a seat. your time will come." I need to find that high school mentality I had. when I felt like "not me not now" and I was okay with it. I'm older and things are different. Maybe I should stop trying to be "uncle rico" and keep moving forward. The foundation is there but I need to keep building. I'm better than that.

      I'm gonna go face the music... find these letters. fuck.... like if these letters were from JG I would read them and with a smile because he was a great guy who deserves nothing but the best. but I don't think I want to be in that air. without her being in that air with me like. she aint suffering, you must be masochistic cuz it seems like you're asking for it. But I'm just not sure how else to deal with it. If I am running away from my feelings how do I deal with it cuz I thought I was dealing with it.
idk whatever

*Elyse

Current song(s):

Hayling- FC Kahuna
sweet Nothing: Calvin Harris feat Florence

Idk what to call this

            Today was another one of those 24 hours of sleep. Although I did get up run some errands and so forth I tell you. I ran on empty. And now I'm up. And I feel like talking so I'll write. I'm so exhausted yesterday I lugged my guitar and huge suitcase from the LES to work and from work to white plains. With NO help from anyone. Not even an offer. I'm gonna go ahead and say that no one helped because I had it under control. I owned that suitcase, I looked strong and put together. But still an offer would have been nice. But I owned that heavy ass suitcase and showed who's boss no sign of panic on this face! But it was annoying as fuck. The day before that (Sunday) I had an amazing photo shoot. I couldn't believe it was me. And I couldn't believe how natural I felt and easy. I'm so proud and so amped. I so believe in myself. I can do this! And I'm gonna! She was so funny it was like kickin it with my high school friends hahaha. She's mad dope I'm happy I found her. And most importantly she's a friend. I'm getting back into this wave where friends are taking a liking to me and I'm not really comfortable with it. I'm learning how to not be an asshole, be honest. But I can only control my end. And how they take interpret my actions is on them. And I have to learn to be okay with that too. 
       I must be walking in circles because I find myself at the same crossroad. The fortunate part is I notice something new every time. It's like the level on Mario bros where you keep doing the same thing over and over until you pick the right path. But the only way to know the right path is either luck, trying everything or if you're playing this again after a while... It's memory. Well that level is so genius and so accurate to the point of life. I've been dreaming of bell for the last week. It's exhausting. She's everywhere and no where. But if I may admit. I'm the only one in my way. She has moved on. And I could stand to learn from her. I may not be with anyone. And that's okay. But if she ever sees this I want her to understand thing
      ethanos, what I said in the bedroom when we first got together about seeing your aura not seeing you as a girl or boy and seeing your spirit I meant it and I still mean it. You took me like a storm and I knew that I was gonna suffer with or without you and I believe I told you that. That you had my heart in your hand. I remember that because I laid on cait's bed crying all night. A Shia Lebeouf movie was on and I couldn't have cared any less than I did. I couldn't understand the pain that I was feeling. You took away the pain that you caused whenever you were absent. Me walking away in the end was not to be hurtful. Although I turned into such a bitch. But it was to try to save myself because you checked out along time ago. You were absent mentally. And babe you know mentally we were so on. Until we weren't. I haven't stopped thinking or caring or loving you, I can't hate you, although I have tried. I just won't. Flash forward bell to sand creek when we talked about life after "us", you thought I'd be flying and a lot happier. Well I'd be lying if I said I'm not doing the damn thing right now, because I am killing it! I've had to pull a lot of shit out from my bag o' tricks and work this "troubled chic". But it has not been easy. And I know the motives of my actions are of someone who's not over it. Babe I'm not over you, I love you still. I will find that bag of letters you wrote me. I will read them I will cry. I will fall apart. I know it. The thought of being everything to you, the only thing to you. To being nothing to you tears me apart. Yes I said it! It Kills me! Hardcore. Bell what we had I'm not sure what it was, it sure was something. And I feel stupid. But that's okay. I must go through these range of emotions to understand them. And I probably won't. But in physically walking away from us I will mentally. This is the last year. Waiting on a dream that will never come true. I'm waring myself down, grinding into dust. This MUST come to an end, enough is enough I think I've given you enough already, I'm taking the remainder of this year to tie up lose ends, cuz really aint nobody got time for that. I am so sorry for letting you down, I'm sorry for the things that happened to you in your life, you know the stuff I wanted to go to war for you, for. You are special and that's the end of it. What you allowed me to see is beautiful and delicate, I know what you are. And I should have been more careful. But what's done is done. Good luck to you and your new life. I will be happy for you. 

*Elyse

Current song (s):

It ends tonight- all American rejects 
Secret door- evanescence 

I want that... (Elysium)

      I want that... one on one connection, skin on skin sensation, heart beating syncopation, soul meshing vibration, I want that. 

I want that adrenaline rush stimulation, nirvana kind of vibe-ation, in the rhythm nation, yea I want that.... 

Sounds fleeing, souls bleeding, eyes needing hands discovering. 

No way to be misunderstood as our colors meet

Soon weaving a tapestry even the blind can see

Yea I want that.

The taste of decadence upon your fingertips

And honey drops from your lips

I need that.

Flesh that melts in my hand

Come undone in Elysium Land

Flow into a sea of life 

Come undone in the Elysium light

Senses will all go numb 

Come undone in Elysium

Come undone in Elysium

Please come undone in ELYSIUM. 

*Elyse 

Falling to Pieces

          So I lay in my bed feeling some type of way. Damnit that v word. It is how it sounds, weak. None the less I'm feeling a little volnurable. With all the excitement of these last couple of days, I would just like to fall apart in someone's arms. Beggers can't be choosers but I don't want just anyone to hold me. It's not just with arms that you hold me it's with sound mind. And an aura of blue and green. Wait can someone have an aura of two colors? is that allowed? Well shit in my mind it is. I want to find a place in their nook. Like last August, My Mysterian and I felt so over it and helpless and he gave me what I needed. Listen, I'm a strong woman, always pushing always trying to improve always wanting to improve and without anybodies help. I get more done when I'm doing it solo. I've learned so much about myself because I had no choice. And I did it solo. But for as strong as I am, I have that need to be rescued. And I'm okay with admitting that. I want strong arms to rescue me from my current obscurity. But as of right now? I'll have to be those strong arms I so long for. And that's okay because I'm growing and learning. And when the time is right. I'll unravel in the right arms. And not be judged because of it. And visa versa. Be strong Elle, you're a beautiful prize that will be cherished by someone deserving. But right now Elle, elyse needs you like you need her. Hang on lady, victory is sweet :-*


*Elyse

Current Song:
She wolf (I'm falling to pieces)- Sia and David Guetta