Feel free

       Well I, yet again feel absolutely foolish. How stupid can I be. Seriously, dumbass what am I holding on to. Friday night it all dawns on me. " Bitch she's not coming back, let it go, she's dead." But she's very much so alive. And I'm very much so dillusional. I could cry. Nope I'm past that. My skin itches. And I'm trying so hard to be good. If I can feel pain that I can comprehend I can smile the next day. I'm just an idiot and I look stupid. So I'm gonna force myself to do insanity. Because of course to top it off I feel fat and ugly. Ptown is coming up and I feel pressure. I have to be perfect I have to look perfect. I have to be amazing. And when I don't, I feel useless, worthless. I have to be amazing all day everyday. But lets be honest. I'm not. And now I have this competition well two competitions this week. Makeup thursday and Wednesday singing. Guitar lessons and working Friday night. There really isn't time for me to be throwing myself a pitty party. Aint nobody got time for that! But once this week subsides and it does back to normal. I'm afraid my mind will catch up with me. And there she'll be haunting me, mocking me throwing everything in my face! And who will be there? Nobody. Mainly because I don't want anyone to talk to. I scare myself I don't want to scare anymore people. Cuz apparently that's just what I do. I'm way too much of strong personality. People think they can handle it but they can't. And I'm left feeling alone and hollowed. Well I'm glad one of us is happy.
And there goes that itch again...

ELyse*

Current song (s):
Myself - Linkin Park

Anger

          Seriously, I must have slept for 11 hours last night. Came home and went straight to bed. I couldn't help feel so angry. Maybe that had something to do with it. I kept thinking of  how I was trying to be cute when I txtd "Ly" and it felt like she totes dismissed me. Then I heard nothing from her yesterday. I heard back from them and I got it but I didn't txt her to let her know. And it pissed me off like none other. I kept waking up and the thought popped in my head once again and I was like F this and then I just passed out. I don't know why it bothers me so much. But I was soo annoyed. I was gonna get up practice guitar, make an ice float. Look at internships and such but anger has a way of provoking me. We have a tumultuous relationship, anger and I. We go looking for each other just to see how we'd combust in a given situation. Will I take the bait or just brush it off. And I almost never do that. Ugh... I get so engulfed in anger and rage sometimes it's scary. I'd much rather try to ignore it, because I feel like the Phoenix from x-men, everything in my path gets destroyed and I don't stop until its broken. If I can sleep it off I'll do that gladly. Otherwise I'm in tunnel vision. I don't know who or how that actually helps but it just helps. The question is, how do I feel right now? Fine. Well rested. Ready to try to tackle this day. Hopefully it swims on by. And on that note

Good Morning all

*Elyse

Current song(s):
Secret Door- Evanescence 

back to normal

     It's been a crazy long time since I've written. looking back on this I'd say its more like an online diary, In fact. I like that better.

     Winter has always been the hardest on me. So I guess I'm back to normal... But what exactly is normal. A high in one hour and a low the next. I've gone back to normal, but my normal is miserable. There's a shadow that creeps over me, I always think that I've out smarted it but I haven't. This is why I don't let anyone in... and I gag at the thought of saying this but i'm... vul... vulner. vuln. vulnerable. blah. Am I a venting system? cuz that's all I ever do. I'm tired of it. I got my hopes up for this girl. I told myself that I just didn't want a girlfriend but I invited her in. Things worked until they didn't. Now they've opened up a can of worms... I DON'T FUCKING LIKE WORMS!!! I DON'T FUCKING LIKE MESS!! but well I am one. Til i've come to the conclusion that well I do want a relationship and I am willing to sacrifice! and to be quite frank, I always have!! But my love isn't one that should be sought after. There are booby traps. and black oobliets. hell there's even a bog of eternal stench. Maybe it would be a lot more fun if david bowie popped out with his numerous crystal balls and glitter and just danced the magic dance every now and again. But no, there is none of that. It's like the willy wonker song when they get in the boat, and these creepy ass images just flash across the scene and you're like what the shit, batman! and you're horrified. Only there's no satisfaction in creeping out my guest, well not anymore. In fact for that reason, I'd like to keep the world out. with tons o' warning signs that say "don't even dare looking over here." and there I go tangentizing, the point is I want someone there, but if you ever ask me I'll say no. But I do. But I'm over people and their self proclaimed fame. and their bullshit and their... shit. but non the less I go back to really wanting that person that wants me. but I'm not easy to want, strike that. I am easy to want, but I'm not easy to keep...

I'm just soo trying to write and really be like committed to writing this and all clever and shit. but I just don't feel like it. 

I've got a wall of tension around my emotions and an extensive ipod collection that will speak for me. only every time someone asks are you okay I can't stop and bust out my ipod and go here listen cuz this is me at the moment. although that would be falking awesome. I can't. everybody's got a trouble (said in the rhythm of Civil Twilight's song) <--- see that! anyway

Someone said to me once that this is what the 20's are all about; figuring yourself out, what you want and don't want. although I don't think "turning 30" is gonna cure it.

I want to fall into arms and feel safe. Forget about the moments that don't matter. But I don't have the patients for that... in other words "AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!" Yet every now and then I have these random moments where some one holds my hand, ( it happened at work and it threw me off) and I like it. who knew holding a hand could be so impactful. I think I always knew which is why I don't like anyone doing it. and because I haven't been involved with someone, or I have ( honestly I couldn't even tell you what that glitch in the matrix was) it just opened my eyes. and suddenly I wanna hold your hand <--- and there it goes again! (sung in The Beatles voice)

There are still so many questions I need answered and yet I have to find the peace within myself. Because I'm never satisfied. It's just no way to be... I don't support that! 

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Details in the Fabric- Jason Mraz

Sweet Nothings- Calvin Harris and florence Welch 

Way too Fast- Active Child

Hangin' On- Active Child

My Heart is Broken- Evanescence 

Secret Door- Evanescence

No Ordinary Love- Sade