Inspiration

(SIGH OF RELIEF) she's exactly what I needed!
              I've been struggling with myself and how I want to "come off" to others, trying to appeal to everyone. I wanna be a "real boy" but it always comes back to extravagance... I am Extravagant. Nothing left to do but embrace it! This woman embodies everything that I've been trying to suppress! but she embraces it and she does it so beautifully! She's strong, she's tough, she's masculine, she's feminine, she's edgy, she's a classic beauty. She's statuesque, she's stunning, timeless, confident. In your face. she's a woman fearless and FIERCE!!! I have so much respect for her.
            I've always struggled with the fact that I'm not cute. I didn't grow up cute or pretty. I felt inadequate when it came to those type of girls because they usually got the guys that I wanted. The women in my family were/are not cute. Just a FORCE to be reckoned with. we are not societies stay in the kitchen type woman. (well maybe one of us is) but we're really just some rosie the riveter type women! I guess I always kind of resented them for it. Because I wanted to be that cutesie kind of girl. But I rather enjoy being the girl that dabbles and plays with gender rules and roles. I like being cheeky, I like defying gravity. guess what I'm scared to. when I was younger I wasn't now I am. And now I'm getting it back. The more time I spend in the city the more I find my muchness.
            For a while I had lost my inspiration for makeup. I work in a makeup store and they want us to get excited about new season trends and looks and colors. "It's nice, but not so much amazing". I'm an artist. not a person who's good at make so that makes me an artist. NO. I'm an ARTIST. I have to be inspired to create. Be it songs, drawings, makeup, costumes or photography. That inspiration just wasn't working. and I'm stubborn so when I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. and you know what I'm not going to apologize for it. not after meeting her.
                This girl is amazing and I salute her shorts because she's fabulous! and it let's me know that I can be who I am and make no apologies for it. Embrace it! don't worry about who's gonna want you or not gonna want you. you gotta do your THANG! and they can either fall in line, or don't waste your time. But she's just given me that boost of inspiration that I really needed. It's reassuring. I was trying NOT to go towards the light. but in seeing the big picture, WE ARE WHO WE ARE! and I'm amaze balls. I AM THE LIGHT :-)

Current song:
Defying Gravity- Wicked

*eLLe

11:11

           Make a wish! I've been thinking a lot about it lately and the person who came up with this is genious. I tip my hat to you. I always find myself really happy when I look at the clock and it reads 11:11 but then I get all nervous because I really wanna make it count. So now a simple wish turns into a conversation with myself as I wish for something and go "no, that's not a wish that's a prayer. but you really want it to happen! yes! but that takes effort and planning, it's a little more serious then to just throw it around frivolously in a wish". So I don't wish for that. and I come up with something else that I could settle on. and then the planning begins, I swear, I like make up a list of wishes so that I'm prepared for the next time 11:11 rolls around I wont be so nervous and forget. Then there are those moments that it does roll around and you know exactly what to wish for, because you've been thinking about it for days, weeks even... *SIDE NOTE* I happened to look up and the clock read 11:11, joy in my heart, I was ready ;)* back to the realness. 

          But lately I start to think about it more in depth. For example how many of those wishes came true because it fell on your lap or because you MADE it happen? Is 11:11 a placebo? makes us think it's working when it only pushes us to go after the things we really want. Or it really is just a waste of time period because you can't wish things to happen, it's just a set up for failure cuz there usually is no action behind it. IDK!  Or maybe it's a little of both. It works sometimes and maybe it is just a placebo. 

          I think it ties into faith. Just having faith in something. If you truly have faith in your heart then what you want will come true. For  kids and adults alike it's fun and light hearted. It's always good to believe in something! I just feel like it's an alternative to God maybe, sometimes. Like how many times do you hear people say "just pray and leave it up to God and he will take care of you." and how many times do you see people roll their eyes or scoff at a person. It doesn't matter what you believe in religion wise because whenever it is brought up it's like oh hear we go. Now, somehow saying "look a shooting star make a wish!" or "11:11 make a wish" it's like okay I'll secretly do it, or I'll do it because my kids are really into into it. For whatever reason we've chosen, we'll still make a wish over pray. Some how it makes it less "heavy"... Now I make a lot of wishes on 11:11, I don't think they actually come true though. But I know that when my head and my heart are in a place, I subconsciously wish for things and it happens. Sometimes I like to think it's because of my powers hahaha but usually in my case I think it's just Gods way of saying "hey,  you deserve it kid". 

            I remember when I was a kid and I'd be in a store with my mom. I'd see so many little toys that I WANTED, so I'd ask my mom for it. she'd say no. I would give her reasons for "needing" it and she'd always say no. I'd beg and plead and then I would say but I NEED it. she'd stop turn around and always say something like do you really need it. or just really really want it. because you already have tons of toys like this... and just the paused look on my face she'd reply, that's what I thought. Instant defeat I was pissed. Now it's not to say my mom never got me things. but whenever I did what I had to do or worked for it, earned it, or whenever she felt like hey sure lets get you something, she would. But she always made sure that we understood that they are rewards. I look at 11:11 like that now. I make all the wishes I want, maybe the fates will say "sure why not, it's on the house, gotta keep the magic going" but at the end of the day you work for what you want and earn it. but when it's something you really need, YOU GOT IT

*eLLe

fix your own heart

    Okay so I saw this status my family member reposted. It said something like " sometimes a man has to help heal your heart before he gets to have it" some shit like that. and the comments back were like "that's so true" and "sometimes... Always" and "the man has to be the absorber of her pain"... (gag)
Then it just so happened that the Danity Kane song "Damaged" came on. and one of the lines of the song asks "how you gonna fix it?" The guy before you damaged it so can you fix it.
Ladies and gentlemen! listen to me. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN HEART! Don't ask for help figure it out cut the shit. and if anyone proposes that idea on you, WALK THE FUCK AWAY! That is a big burden for anyone. we are not "captain save'm". The second anyone tries to take on a task like that they're destined for failure! It's a lot of pressure to withhold and it is not fair to ask of somebody. If you're not ready to be in a relationship then don't! aint nobody rushing you, telling you, you have to be. so slow down! I fell for it! I thought I could take all of her pieces and put them back together, show her, her capabilities. IT worked until it didn't.
What I'm driving at is that. As the "fixer" we feel that we are "THAT ONE" we're Neo, we can save the matrix because we are not like everybody else. Humans have always had an obsession with being super human... So when we happen upon that person we feel like we have to take on the challenge. when in fact the challenge is NOT helping to heal a person or FIXING the person the challenge is are you gonna be smart enough to say listen I'm not going there, this can be a bad idea and I'm not sure as to why I'd have to fix something that somebody else did. Further more, as the fixer, you don't know the severity of the issue. Sometimes a person is not "firing on all 8's" and now you signed up for something and now you need healing. Leave the saving to Jesus! we are only human. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make them drink. and you will find that people don't actually want help they just want to bitch and they need a punching bag!! now look at the abuse you just signed up for! JOY!

as for the damsel in distress. Stop being lazy, stop bitching cut the shit! it's not easy it never was. It's rude to expect someone to do that. and if you're constantly looking for someone to fix it how will you ever learn? there's nothing more rewarding than knowing you can do something. and dealing with emotions the right way is so controversial and about the hardest thing you can do, in my opinion. when it comes down to YOU and your core, nobody can help you with that. Don't be that lame. you'll find yourself in the same place you started. and then you'll hit 50 and stilling wondering why? asking somebody to take pity on you, which may have worked when you're young, but now you're just damaged goods!

it's not a pretty process. but everybody's gotta do it.
just saying.

eLLe

My labyrinthian Mind

Gray.
The only way to describe how I've been feeling. Who knew that a communication major would have such a hard time at communicating. It comes and it goes. and I can't help but feel like I'd rather have it go. It's so uncomfortable. My blood races, hands clam up shortness of breath and I'd much rather walk away... Well you have to do it! no don't do it this way! you sound like this! he'll think that!... i'm damn confused. Speak up it's not that serious! open your mouth and form sound! NOOOOOOOO! If you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers now, just wait! cuz this right now is nothing. This is but a snowflake at the tip of an iceberg and not even the part that floats way below the surface. So what are you gonna do? I wanna walk away it's done deal. so then why haven't you yet? cuz you're so busy with yourself that the others slip through the cracks. Elyse fight for something. Fight for this INSANITY... Fight for this AUDITION... Fight for your JOB/CAREER... PROVE that you deserve this ITALY trip... Fight FOR yourself not WITH yourself... then maybe fighting for the people you want to have in your life will be a breeze. Okay so vulnerability(gosh i hate that word) is really a big task for you. but in the act of speaking up for yourself and believing in yourself as far as job and careers go and working out and Italy. that vulnerability(ugh) is a less scary concept. and you'll be able to understand when you want something, need something or when you DESERVE something.

This weekend you have an audition, and wednesday you have a recital. Both dealing with singing. you better sing with that voice God gave you! When you sing Rolling in the deep you better sing with every frustration, emotion, depth, elegance and grace that you possess, so that you can't say you didn't give it all you got.... and when that recital comes you better sing as if you are singing in front of the greats! like you are in florence and you own it! " The time has come for you to lip sync, for your life"... only no lip syncing but real singing.

As far as INSANITY goes. it's only gonna get harder. and you've started to see improvements especially in your back, but you're coasting. DIG DEEPER! FOCUS! take all that anger to drive yourself to that goal, scream if you have to but you better WERK!!

as far as people go. you've always had a strong intuition as to whether a person should breathe your air or not. so if a persons on your mind this much, not even in a sexual way, but somebody you truly enjoy then go with it... But maybe revisit it when you're feeling more like yourself.

(my "coaching session")
I feel another song coming on!!


*eLLe
current song(s):
Titanium- David Guetta feat Sia
No Beef- Afrojack and Steve aoki

... To Be Happy

      Allow myself to be happy? That's a hard concept for me. Mainly because when I am, some way or another the my feet get pulled from under me and I fall and chip a tooth... Chip a tooth? really? All of that? Well okay not ALL of that but yea you get the idea. Bottom line is it hurts and I'd rather not get up again. My manager to told me today you have to allow yourself to be happy. and well I can't really fight it. "What in the sam hell are you talking about?!" okay here we go...

     ... I had sporadic moment of Pleasantocity. Where all the small realizations mattered. It wasn't grand scale at all. It was, well Pleasant. and pleasant is like more than enough. It was everything I could want out of an evening, Jamming to music, laughing, youtube browsing. Just straight up relaxing without any added pressure to take it anywhere or be anything other than ourselves. Once I could get away from my awkwardness I was fine. Like, all I really ever want to do is movie night's with me and somebody and not have it be like this big to do. But apparently saying hey you wanna watch a movie with me just you and me is code for I'm hitting on you and would like to make a move. It's hard to find people that just want to bum around with you and that's it, no sex involved just good company. 

         I wish I could say that's it. I'm trying not to like this guy at all. I don't see him, I hardly even talk to him. So I can't possibly like him. I sat fighting myself all morning, yelling at myself like no you don't like this guy stop. yet somehow I got into work and without anything extra my coworkers are like you're glowing... ME??!!!??! GLOWW????!!!! no way! I have no idea what you are even talking about ppffff! I was smiling without doing it physically! I was listening to Killswitch Engage and 36 Crazyfists all day. I bought some of the songs that he played for me. Repeat all day everyday. I killed the black lipstick today, I was in a zone. and I don't wanna be because I know myself, I'm gonna ruin it, ya know. When I spoke to my manager, told her everything and she's like, first and foremost you have to allow yourself to just be happy, if you're happy be happy. see the moment for what is it and then just roll with it. She's soo totally right. It's a hard concept for me... BE HAPPY??? huh??? because when I get happy its really really OD and I don't want to show that. It can be really much. and you can bet there will be a hard crash. Maybe I can change that? Like You know she was probably telling me, don't think to hard about it. and send that positive energy. 

          Let it, well, BE! nothing catastrophic happened. and I really don't talk to him. I'm a mess. my stomach is flipping. I need to calm down. just take it for what it is... It's kinda hard to do when my coworkers and best friend are like um he's perfect! I know this!!!! But it's too early to tell. Yet somehow it seems like they know something I don't. Right now I just will except him as a really neat guy to hang with, so not contrived. 

I love the small things. cuz they're really not small they're perfect and grand to me. I can sit and gush about it but I kinda wanna just keep it too myself cuz it's really valuable to me and it's one of those things that it's like you (A) have to know me and (B) you had to be there :)

Current Songs:

The Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage

The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage

Waiting on a War- 36 Crazyfists

The Tide and It's Takers- 36 Crazyfists

Moonlight Sonata- Beethoven 

eLLe*

Untag.

          I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic these blogs are. Somehow typing has become easier than writing. I think it's because I can't spell and the computer corrects me. I used to have a notebook for everything. From time to time I find journal entries on loose leaf. The greatest reward is looking at them now, years later and just think wow... and I'll definitely do this with these blogs.

           Um I'm feeling extra crazy right now. It feels like the words that people say to me are tagged. and when triggered it instantly brings me to a "link" or memory of a time when I hurt. Certain words or phrases I cringe to say, I cringe to hear because in a split second I'm reliving those instances in technicolor. And when it's all over I'm just back in these four walls. Then a snowball effect occurs to which I'm remembering child hood. I come out feeling defeated. If anyone wants to my secret of how I can eat so much and stay so thin? I'm a runner. I have terrible knees but I'm alway running through moments in my head. I exhaust every memory, beat it like it stole something. I run myself ragged... I hate tagged words. Then I hear the lyric in my head "I want to stay in love with my sorrow, ooh but God I want to let it go". It's exactly how I feel but that's a tag on it's own. 

       I remember a time when listened to the whole first album of Evanescence on repeat. The only time I wouldn't listen to it was if I were at practice or a game. any chance I could I would listen to it. Because it was the only thing that could calm me down. When everyone was socializing and happy because WP won the game I'd rush back on the bus just so I could listen to it. It described everything I felt... "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" She had to be singing to me, for a while I was beginning to believe I was. and Imaginary was my theme. I lived inside myself because there I was loved, there I was myself. Nobody was ever allowed in. My secret place. I just remember being so wrapped up in the orchestra and choir and classical influences. The depth and emotion in each song. The layers! Made me wish that I 'd kept up with the violin. And happy as hell that I was in a kick ass choir. Classical music is so captivating.  Sometimes I forget to breathe. Anyway that CD meant everything to me. My aunt knew me well. she knew I'd eat that CD up. yea she never got that back hahaha. It sucks because I can't even listen to them anymore. like I said they're tagged. I can't listen to her without feeling nauseous. She loved them way more than I did. there's no way I can listen to them. I gave them up. They're tagged to a memory. I'm still deeply connected. I wish I wasn't. I haven't quite figured out how to untag memories. Facebook makes it seem so damn easy. 

          I'm in such a funk. Such a mood... blugh 

eLLe*

"It's a blind faith..."

     Good morning Friday!!! How art thou on this windy day? So I had a special conversation with a coworker yesterday. So not on purpose and not special to her but completely special to me, I I'll share it on my online public diary. I digress, I noticed she was filling out something and kind of stuck with it. It was for church, kind of like a prayer questionnaire. and at the end everyone in the congregation would hand them in and it would be prayed on. I guess she felt that she needed to have a clear cut answer and honestly answering "I don't know" was not good enough. On the other hand I did, especially if that's truly how she felt. The questions they asked I felt like were a bit of a trick because there really is no set answer to them. I think it was the way that the questions were asked that I felt like It was a bit unfair. No one should really know where they are going. Or knows the person they are becoming. Because well, like we've heard time and time again, it's about the journey. and well most of us are still on that journey. Maybe it would have been nicer if it said, who do you think you are? who would you like to become? or where do you see yourself going? Sometimes we think we're on that path and WE'RE NOT! and that's when we need the prayer! 

      I felt myself getting really philosophical when trying to help her answer these questions. Let her know it's okay to say I don't know where I'm going? unless it's like I'm going to south africa on a missionary trip. God wants to help those who are pure and honest. If you are serious and honest with yourself then an answer that is "I don't know" will do just fine. I also wanted her to know that it will work regardless you don't need a questionnaire for prayer to work... I'm just gonna stop there... I can feel myself really getting into it, yet again. Point is I lost her on that one. But I was so surprised that I felt the way I did. or feel the way I do. I'll usually stop myself all the time because my head gets in the way and the skepticism prevails and it sucks ya know... 

       It just got me to think about a lot of things one of them being a dream that I had on the first night I decided to call it quits... 

         THE DREAM: We were sleeping (up in albany, where we lived). And the door opens, and I scoot to the end of the bed to see what the alls is going on. but there was "no one" there. When all of a sudden I feel the ambush of demons in my face. I couldn't directly see them, but I felt them in my face or when they sat on me. and I'm taking them on. They flung me up against the head board and held me down. and out of no where I start to recite the prayer of ST. Michael. (I don't know that prayer, in waking day. B knows it and I've heard it. But I don't know it) The door would close and they'd flee. Every time they came back they came back stronger, the door would open and I'd be there waiting. reciting this prayer louder and louder. all the while I'd look over and she was on her phone txting, not helping me at all. not even noticing. I think once she said something in the beginning like it's nothing, or no you got this. Something with no support at all. And I couldn't believe it. I recited the prayer one more time and they left. END DREAM

        That night I remember squeezing her arm. my body felt like I had rigor mortis. I was exhausted and I couldn't move when she woke up she was very concerned and asked what was wrong. I don't remember what I said to her but she put her arms around me and I fell asleep. The next morning she said that I told her the dream must have been nothing and probably how I was feeling about the breakup. I didn't remember saying that. I don't know if that was her manipulation, now that I think about it, or if that's what I really said. non the less I think about it now and I'm like was this a foreshadowing of now? and even still that in that dream I took them on. I knew enough to ask for ST. Michael. My faith was never as strong as hers. and as I turned into a monster, as I woke up to hauntings, I always wished that I could have what she has. I had no faith. Her light shined so bright and I never thought mine could ever be as bright. So I put it out. I let things stand in my path so I have a reason to run. 

      And when I think back on that dream I think a couple things, she did not even dare to help. and when it came time, I was more ready and willing to fight than I thought, I was scared but I knew who had my back on instinct. I am a fighter. And my light is bright. I let people and myself turn me into something I knew I was better than. I focused on bullshit that didn't matter. and I'm starting to see that ya know. She wasn't mine. I wasn't hers. And I'm stronger than I thought. I believe more than I think I do. My heart knows where it wants to be. and I have to remember that. I don't follow the laws of gravity, I defy them! I don't start commotion, I am one! and even in my fantasies of suicide. my lowest low, trips on hydrolics. I'm. not. that. girl! 

eLLe*