Mourning air

... and all of a sudden I remember that moment. That moment I couldn't sleep. That moment that rage took over my body. tunnel vision. The rock that shattered my jaw to the ground. That moment. that still has my stomach squeezed so tight. the acid rose to my esophagus. yea, no I'm not poetic at all. I know but that's how I'm feeling. It was just hurt, after hurt, after hurt. When playing a game, works but you just feel like you wish it didn't get to that point. not only did I lose control but I lost myself.
Destruction.
I don't really think I ever had control. why do we always need to be in control. to manipulate the other person. check mate.
I'm not letting anyone in. what the fuck for. ...
so just stay away from me.
...
... The truest nightmare... was not the one where I fought all those demons. or the statues. hanging over me... or ones when my mom is dead... instead. Me standing over the wreckage, and watching them trying to pull my dead body from the car... change is a foot... thanks, because I'm so bored with life
Idk what's important to me.

...soo many thoughts in my head. wont subside... what lines didn't I read betwixt. and why is this so crippling

let's try this thing called sleep. judging from the way my body feels. I doubt it.

eLLe*

Current song(s)

Third- Portishead (album)
Portishead- Portishead (album)

Dear Ethanos

I could pour my life out to you. I love you. you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy. I'm Drunk. I'm sorry I let you down. Pivotal, that's you. In my life. well that's what you were. I argue with you because I wanted to believe in everything you said. you didn't mean. doesn't matter now.
My whole life I wanted to mean something great. In a world where you're meant to be this small. I think I lost my phone. sux. Hope i find it tonight. cat nip but nothing feels right. you deserve it. you spent crucial nights that turned into years alone. you deserve. it. a fainted memory. maybe more like a passing breeze,

you ethanos... i love you more than one could ever care about themselves... but soon I'll forget what you ever meant to me.

eLL3

current song(s):
Need you now- Lady Antebellum
I told you so- Carrie  underwood
mourning air- Portishead

:) He's still got it

      wow, how we can pick up right where we left off. Yeeaasss it definitely helped that he apologized for everything. I totally needed to apologize for weirding out on him but he manned up and I didn't ask him too and after so long. I was nervous as fuck to hang out with him. Like are we gonna have stuff to talk about? Is this gonna be weird? Is this just gonna be sex, cuz I'm not really interested. Not like you know he's eww but just cuz I'm not really there right now. I'm not usually into random sexcapades. I could be cajoled :) but... anyway I digress. He was in disbelief that I was even there. I couldn't believe I was there. live a little, I guess. He was like "showing" me how nice is he now and such which. and clowning around cracking jokes and catching up. explaining his school and his major. And then we walked down memory lane. Lingering in the good moments, laughing at the bad ones. I started off being so like "matter of fact". I'm here, you're here. just enjoying company. But I just felt myself wanted to put myself all over him. Fact: we had a good time, back in the day. we did had a little history. We were talking about how I got him into ghost hunters and now he and his family are hooked on that show. But I stopped, shit got mad weird around me, and I was too creeped out... anyway we went back to his room talked for a little and then before I left, I'm like okay i'll never see you again, he's like why and I'm like um cuz you're graduating and then going back up yonder. and he leans in for the kiss. I back away. such a tease ;). and the make out begins. I forgot we connected. pleasantly reminded. I wanted to back away. His lips are everything. He's sexy as fuck. I like when I can be aggressive and not be worried that I'm gonna break the  person in half. I like the weight. I'm a bruiser. I wanna take a bite and leave a mark. I like to feel the weight against me. but whats better is feeling the control. the control you have over your body that controls mine. knowing your strength and using it correctly. Own it. Nothing passed a really intense make out session. but I had shivers thinking about it all night. I must have had amnesia cuz I seem to forget a lot. We connect physically a lot. ugh I can't.
       I remember in school when we first met ha I could've died. It was communication class and I had fucking curlers in my head and I had to get up and introduce myself. and I saw him sitting there. he sad socks and slippers so I knew he was an athlete and I'm thinking great I look soo stupid. so I got really nervous and started smiling up a storm. cuz that's what happens when I get nervous I smile A LOT. Then later we had to work together in a group and I started speaking in an accent and he was like um are you speaking in an accent and I'm like uh yea sorry. that happens randomly. I gotta say yet again. I have no idea when we started actually talking like that. but I remember hanging with him and pulling back his skater boy hair (at the time) cuz I never really got past what great teeth he has. and anyone that knows me knows that I'm all about teeth. and he has such complimentary lips. anyway yea never actually looked at his face so I looked at his eyes and just thought "shit, your eyes are fly". Then there was that time I cooked "for" him and his roommate. he liked it... or that time when... well never mind. He's a swell guy. and that was a swell time. Flooded with all these memories. and some how I found myself happy. Happy that I went, happy that I didn't give in and go all the way. Happy to have had an amazing weekend with my friends. I couldn't get to insanity for the last two days yet somehow walking at least 30 blocks between friday and saturday and then dancing like life depended on it. made up for it. ahh.

Good times

eLLe*

Inspiration

(SIGH OF RELIEF) she's exactly what I needed!
              I've been struggling with myself and how I want to "come off" to others, trying to appeal to everyone. I wanna be a "real boy" but it always comes back to extravagance... I am Extravagant. Nothing left to do but embrace it! This woman embodies everything that I've been trying to suppress! but she embraces it and she does it so beautifully! She's strong, she's tough, she's masculine, she's feminine, she's edgy, she's a classic beauty. She's statuesque, she's stunning, timeless, confident. In your face. she's a woman fearless and FIERCE!!! I have so much respect for her.
            I've always struggled with the fact that I'm not cute. I didn't grow up cute or pretty. I felt inadequate when it came to those type of girls because they usually got the guys that I wanted. The women in my family were/are not cute. Just a FORCE to be reckoned with. we are not societies stay in the kitchen type woman. (well maybe one of us is) but we're really just some rosie the riveter type women! I guess I always kind of resented them for it. Because I wanted to be that cutesie kind of girl. But I rather enjoy being the girl that dabbles and plays with gender rules and roles. I like being cheeky, I like defying gravity. guess what I'm scared to. when I was younger I wasn't now I am. And now I'm getting it back. The more time I spend in the city the more I find my muchness.
            For a while I had lost my inspiration for makeup. I work in a makeup store and they want us to get excited about new season trends and looks and colors. "It's nice, but not so much amazing". I'm an artist. not a person who's good at make so that makes me an artist. NO. I'm an ARTIST. I have to be inspired to create. Be it songs, drawings, makeup, costumes or photography. That inspiration just wasn't working. and I'm stubborn so when I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. and you know what I'm not going to apologize for it. not after meeting her.
                This girl is amazing and I salute her shorts because she's fabulous! and it let's me know that I can be who I am and make no apologies for it. Embrace it! don't worry about who's gonna want you or not gonna want you. you gotta do your THANG! and they can either fall in line, or don't waste your time. But she's just given me that boost of inspiration that I really needed. It's reassuring. I was trying NOT to go towards the light. but in seeing the big picture, WE ARE WHO WE ARE! and I'm amaze balls. I AM THE LIGHT :-)

Current song:
Defying Gravity- Wicked

*eLLe

11:11

           Make a wish! I've been thinking a lot about it lately and the person who came up with this is genious. I tip my hat to you. I always find myself really happy when I look at the clock and it reads 11:11 but then I get all nervous because I really wanna make it count. So now a simple wish turns into a conversation with myself as I wish for something and go "no, that's not a wish that's a prayer. but you really want it to happen! yes! but that takes effort and planning, it's a little more serious then to just throw it around frivolously in a wish". So I don't wish for that. and I come up with something else that I could settle on. and then the planning begins, I swear, I like make up a list of wishes so that I'm prepared for the next time 11:11 rolls around I wont be so nervous and forget. Then there are those moments that it does roll around and you know exactly what to wish for, because you've been thinking about it for days, weeks even... *SIDE NOTE* I happened to look up and the clock read 11:11, joy in my heart, I was ready ;)* back to the realness. 

          But lately I start to think about it more in depth. For example how many of those wishes came true because it fell on your lap or because you MADE it happen? Is 11:11 a placebo? makes us think it's working when it only pushes us to go after the things we really want. Or it really is just a waste of time period because you can't wish things to happen, it's just a set up for failure cuz there usually is no action behind it. IDK!  Or maybe it's a little of both. It works sometimes and maybe it is just a placebo. 

          I think it ties into faith. Just having faith in something. If you truly have faith in your heart then what you want will come true. For  kids and adults alike it's fun and light hearted. It's always good to believe in something! I just feel like it's an alternative to God maybe, sometimes. Like how many times do you hear people say "just pray and leave it up to God and he will take care of you." and how many times do you see people roll their eyes or scoff at a person. It doesn't matter what you believe in religion wise because whenever it is brought up it's like oh hear we go. Now, somehow saying "look a shooting star make a wish!" or "11:11 make a wish" it's like okay I'll secretly do it, or I'll do it because my kids are really into into it. For whatever reason we've chosen, we'll still make a wish over pray. Some how it makes it less "heavy"... Now I make a lot of wishes on 11:11, I don't think they actually come true though. But I know that when my head and my heart are in a place, I subconsciously wish for things and it happens. Sometimes I like to think it's because of my powers hahaha but usually in my case I think it's just Gods way of saying "hey,  you deserve it kid". 

            I remember when I was a kid and I'd be in a store with my mom. I'd see so many little toys that I WANTED, so I'd ask my mom for it. she'd say no. I would give her reasons for "needing" it and she'd always say no. I'd beg and plead and then I would say but I NEED it. she'd stop turn around and always say something like do you really need it. or just really really want it. because you already have tons of toys like this... and just the paused look on my face she'd reply, that's what I thought. Instant defeat I was pissed. Now it's not to say my mom never got me things. but whenever I did what I had to do or worked for it, earned it, or whenever she felt like hey sure lets get you something, she would. But she always made sure that we understood that they are rewards. I look at 11:11 like that now. I make all the wishes I want, maybe the fates will say "sure why not, it's on the house, gotta keep the magic going" but at the end of the day you work for what you want and earn it. but when it's something you really need, YOU GOT IT

*eLLe

fix your own heart

    Okay so I saw this status my family member reposted. It said something like " sometimes a man has to help heal your heart before he gets to have it" some shit like that. and the comments back were like "that's so true" and "sometimes... Always" and "the man has to be the absorber of her pain"... (gag)
Then it just so happened that the Danity Kane song "Damaged" came on. and one of the lines of the song asks "how you gonna fix it?" The guy before you damaged it so can you fix it.
Ladies and gentlemen! listen to me. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN HEART! Don't ask for help figure it out cut the shit. and if anyone proposes that idea on you, WALK THE FUCK AWAY! That is a big burden for anyone. we are not "captain save'm". The second anyone tries to take on a task like that they're destined for failure! It's a lot of pressure to withhold and it is not fair to ask of somebody. If you're not ready to be in a relationship then don't! aint nobody rushing you, telling you, you have to be. so slow down! I fell for it! I thought I could take all of her pieces and put them back together, show her, her capabilities. IT worked until it didn't.
What I'm driving at is that. As the "fixer" we feel that we are "THAT ONE" we're Neo, we can save the matrix because we are not like everybody else. Humans have always had an obsession with being super human... So when we happen upon that person we feel like we have to take on the challenge. when in fact the challenge is NOT helping to heal a person or FIXING the person the challenge is are you gonna be smart enough to say listen I'm not going there, this can be a bad idea and I'm not sure as to why I'd have to fix something that somebody else did. Further more, as the fixer, you don't know the severity of the issue. Sometimes a person is not "firing on all 8's" and now you signed up for something and now you need healing. Leave the saving to Jesus! we are only human. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make them drink. and you will find that people don't actually want help they just want to bitch and they need a punching bag!! now look at the abuse you just signed up for! JOY!

as for the damsel in distress. Stop being lazy, stop bitching cut the shit! it's not easy it never was. It's rude to expect someone to do that. and if you're constantly looking for someone to fix it how will you ever learn? there's nothing more rewarding than knowing you can do something. and dealing with emotions the right way is so controversial and about the hardest thing you can do, in my opinion. when it comes down to YOU and your core, nobody can help you with that. Don't be that lame. you'll find yourself in the same place you started. and then you'll hit 50 and stilling wondering why? asking somebody to take pity on you, which may have worked when you're young, but now you're just damaged goods!

it's not a pretty process. but everybody's gotta do it.
just saying.

eLLe

My labyrinthian Mind

Gray.
The only way to describe how I've been feeling. Who knew that a communication major would have such a hard time at communicating. It comes and it goes. and I can't help but feel like I'd rather have it go. It's so uncomfortable. My blood races, hands clam up shortness of breath and I'd much rather walk away... Well you have to do it! no don't do it this way! you sound like this! he'll think that!... i'm damn confused. Speak up it's not that serious! open your mouth and form sound! NOOOOOOOO! If you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers now, just wait! cuz this right now is nothing. This is but a snowflake at the tip of an iceberg and not even the part that floats way below the surface. So what are you gonna do? I wanna walk away it's done deal. so then why haven't you yet? cuz you're so busy with yourself that the others slip through the cracks. Elyse fight for something. Fight for this INSANITY... Fight for this AUDITION... Fight for your JOB/CAREER... PROVE that you deserve this ITALY trip... Fight FOR yourself not WITH yourself... then maybe fighting for the people you want to have in your life will be a breeze. Okay so vulnerability(gosh i hate that word) is really a big task for you. but in the act of speaking up for yourself and believing in yourself as far as job and careers go and working out and Italy. that vulnerability(ugh) is a less scary concept. and you'll be able to understand when you want something, need something or when you DESERVE something.

This weekend you have an audition, and wednesday you have a recital. Both dealing with singing. you better sing with that voice God gave you! When you sing Rolling in the deep you better sing with every frustration, emotion, depth, elegance and grace that you possess, so that you can't say you didn't give it all you got.... and when that recital comes you better sing as if you are singing in front of the greats! like you are in florence and you own it! " The time has come for you to lip sync, for your life"... only no lip syncing but real singing.

As far as INSANITY goes. it's only gonna get harder. and you've started to see improvements especially in your back, but you're coasting. DIG DEEPER! FOCUS! take all that anger to drive yourself to that goal, scream if you have to but you better WERK!!

as far as people go. you've always had a strong intuition as to whether a person should breathe your air or not. so if a persons on your mind this much, not even in a sexual way, but somebody you truly enjoy then go with it... But maybe revisit it when you're feeling more like yourself.

(my "coaching session")
I feel another song coming on!!


*eLLe
current song(s):
Titanium- David Guetta feat Sia
No Beef- Afrojack and Steve aoki