It's okay, I Die?

I've spoken about this before. But it's resurfaced. 

Idk how or where to start. I can't bring it up to her but I feel betrayed. The Bi identity is not an easy one to live with. If i even fit that. I thought her love for me meant that she accepted me. But even still she doesn't and she never did. I always felt like I wasn't going to be good enough for her. That she would be happier with someone who was completely gay. She insisted that she couldn't be happier with anyone else but me. and after discussing this book... i know she doesn't get it. which means she doesn't get me. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not gay enough. I don't fit the roles. My life hasn't been rough enough. my family didn't shun me. Like I had it too easy. and this is something I'm just trying out. I've never given someone all of me and to think that it wasn't good enough.

I don't know where I fit in, and I don't know where I belong. I hate feeling like I have to fucking prove myself to everyone. I'm not a heathen for seeing beauty in all sexes. I'm not greedy, i'm not glutenous! I'm  just me. I thought she knew me. I thought she knew my heart! 

She tells me "fuk em" until i call her out on it and tell her she was one of them and she said she still kind of is lol... there's nothing funny about it. There's nothing funny about any of it. What were we doing for two and a half years??? huh? I have best friends I didn't want another one. I don't even wanna know. 

But once again I was right. and once again you've made a fool of me and not only of me but what I had to offer. I don't offer it to anyone. 

God! please save me! I have no one to turn too.

Songs:
myself- linkin Park
Loners Lullaby (Take me to sleep)- Elyse
Outside the middle- Elyse


eLLe*

Sorry. I went there

I might just have to take it there. 

I'm sitting here trying to fool myself. and now the anger just came out. Everyone is right and i'm not all too sure of how to get to that point. I mean technically I have been doing what I needed to do, but I've also been talking to her via txt. What am I really looking to gain? I mean really? And the fact that I had to ask what should I do only solidifies that I'm looking for something else. I can only imagine what she's been doing. and I can only imagine that it would only tear me up more. I know she's still friends with Elena...( I just went there). And that shit like really? who were you trying to fool you idiot? Like the disrespect and lies??? She's not you're friend! I can actually name two other people who are not your friend. Keep your eye out! You got this BRO code: Bro's over Hoes... no matter how shady they are, they still come before your girl or ex. Who gave me a glance everytime you turned your back? who was trying to be loyal to me? hmmm. But if you can stab your boss in the back then I guess real went out the window with your dignity. And we thought ritz lost her mind. look at this and see what you want. But when everything is all said and done. I was nothing but loyal to you. I had your best interests in mind. I would never sell you out. I think I hurt you enough with the love I couldn't give you I don't think twisting the knife would make anything better. If you really want to do something you will. and you did. So don't play victim to yourself. you have more control over the shit you do, than the shit that others do. And I fall for it. Because I really do what to love you. and I want to make it all go away. I been slipping back into this comma of Bella... and ya know what I need to wake up. I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. As a matter of fact... you can't save anyone! I think the second anyone tries to save someone else they instantly lose themselves. The pressure becomes too much. It's a noble thing to do but we are not knights nor noble. and that's where we slipped up. Idk why we all gotta walk around thinking we are invincible? maybe because then we can feel like we're something more than just a number in the system. 

She's not over me... but she's dating somebody!? fuckin tell your story walking. Moments of solidification happen all to often for me. There are too many things that are light bulbing over me. 

So what now? how many more times do I need to relapse before I'm done. How much more insinuation needs to occur before I'm done to nothing.

There are still things that I think of that kind of bother me. Like the fact that my friends went out to meet with her that saturday night after my cookout. I did want her to talk some sense into her. But we can't always get what we want. And it still feels like she gets to have what she wants and I'm roughing it. She gets these cheat sheets and I'm not. No that doesn't work. If you want me. if you want to tell me something ask how I am. Then come to me. But I shouldn't be your major concern, Jen should be. Or Elena. and whoever else you're talking to. 

Idk I need loyalty, you've seen me at my worstest, and you went to meet up with her. you should have told her no. and the time I said I was here for you it wasn't really for you, I just thought i sent that to her not you, but you wouldn't have the guts to say that. I'm too upset with everything right now.

Everyone lets crumble to bella's feet huh? yea lets! 

Looks like I went there

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Canvas- Imogen Heap
unbroken- Demi Lovato

eLLe*

What does it all mean?

              Two Blogs in one day... Well I had to blog it to keep me from contacting her. I'd been speaking to her all dayish. Finding everything I could just so we'd have an excuse to talk. So what! if I was out at a demi lovato concert. Everytime The convo ends I slip into minor aches because I have no idea when i'll speak to her next. We left it in the air. The cool thing is she txt'd me. I was so excited that I had to remember to pull it back some. How, in this world this world we go from being so honest and pure about our emotions to being so idk, opposite. 

    As I walked from the Hammerstein Ballroom I passed a particular statue that I'd been passing the whole week before. I got comfortable with it from across the street but this time around I walked the same side... Sure did look a whole lot differenter (yea I said it) the closer I was. But I stared it down. and as I did it made me feel a certain way. Like I was scared. But of what? Scared of it? The same feeling passed over me days before when I saw the female statues over the macy's entrance on 34th street. and as i looked at the cluster of statues over grand central. The feeling of maybe i'd been there before. Took everything not to call my ex (and even now, i had wanted to put my girlfriend) because I thought she might have understood... That somehow, I thought I was that statue. Seemed so crazy but i thought she might have empathized with me. Maybe I wasn't scared of statues maybe it inadvertently bought me back to somewhere I'd been before. Four statues over the Macy's entrance and one stood out to me. They all looked the same but somehow that one made me feel like I was looking at myself or family I don't know. This harol square statue made me feel some type of way. It was very alarming. I walked the whole way back to grand central cold, and talking to myself planning out this blog, if you will. Looking straight ahead walking as if i were invisible. or as if everyone else was. I felt distant from the world. Gazing at every tree wondering what it would feel like being the tree. Sad thing is I already knew. Doing so much for everybody and yet taken for-granted. Provide shade, helping the environment, keep this planet livable (cant think of that word) and yet we cut them down. build a meaningless building. They feel so forgotten and yet they are so beatuiful. Most don't give a rats ass about no damn tree. heathens. 

   I came across an intersection staring straight ahead not noticing directly at anything or anyone just doing the motion. Cars flew by, cuz everyone in the city has some place to be right, and for a moment I thought what would happen if I took a step off the sidewalk. My eyes clouded up... One could only be so brave. I was hungry but I didn't feel the desire to open my mouth I was way too busy thinking about shit. I felt so closed off. I wanted to call her but in my head I hear, take it easy slick. If you tell her everything now what are you gonna tell her then. Relapsing! when am I going to talk to her again? Do I even want to talk to her again? well this time its gonna be up to you to contact her cuz she txtd you today. txt her now! no wait don't cuz if she doesnt answer it will send you in a  downward spiral. keep telling yourself she's talking to someone else. keep it moving! rebuilding from a relapse fall back into it everytime she reaches out. I want to reach out to her too. perhaps maybe to hold her. perhaps maybe I don't.  My friends said I was this like mysterious psychic last night. Kinda laughed it off, nah i'm just a really good guesser. But boy was I on a roll last night. whatever it was luck or powers, it sure came off that I had powers. Made me think of all the times I thought so much about a person and they called me. moments later. Me wanting something and shortly after I'd get it. or me "sending" myself to her when she had an overnight shift and she could feel me with her. Maybe I did or do have powers. Maybe statues have a lot more to offer me than i know. 

    I came up on grand central staring at the cluster of statues. and here it came again. Was I that statue looking down with a look on her face. Did I know what they were all talking about and what joyous occasion the sculptor was depicting. I felt like I should have been there. I kinda felt left out. WTF is that feeling? why do I feel like there is something I should know? Still trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out why did I end up at that lovato concert that I thought I wouldn't go to. It worked out so in my mind I was thinking somethings gonna happen and I will meet more career changing ppl. well that sure as hell didn't happen. I left feeling foolish for ever thinking that would happen, I mean a concert? really elyse?! c'mon now! everything has felt like i've been making career moves. They always turn out to be that way. and THIS time it wasn't! could it have been for.... ???? noooo??? no way??? well it certainly wasn't for me. my nose was soo buried in that book I missed the whole waiting time. before I knew it they were letting people inside. What did this happen for??? maybe it was for... ???

I need answers.

Songs:
Do you need someone- Beth Ditto
Canvas- Imogen Heap
Lothlorien- Enya

Eh?

 I woke up just now body feeling like Mush! bones jammed into a sack of skin! I'm soo tired! A new month and now its just feelings of entrapment. I remember I used to ask why most rock singers are usually submersed in water in their videos, I never understood it. Starting to feel like I know why now. I always thought it was so cliche. But now i find myself wanted to hold myself under as I find my will to live... or to cleanse my soul, self "baptism. Life is all to real right now and from all the excitement and hullaballoo. But yet I'm that girl in the corner of the club by herself... AWKWARD! Rather read a book and shut the world out! I definitely did that last night... WOW. Displacement. Can somebody please tell me when my stop is? the city is full of wonderment and look closer more filled with lost souls I was one of them. I've been getting crazy deju vu recently, it reassures me. But when I turn over all I see are pillows, strategically placed to hold me, every "curve". I need a hug. I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm that fucking outsider. coaching myself outside of club to get it together, change your aura you're scaring all the girls away, soften up! have a drink or 5. Do something! you're ruining my life, woman... and the reply is "I don't want to. Eyor, sucks to meet you."... Replies get shorter and colder. and now you're not even worth my eye contact.... Move away from me civilians. Saved by the best friend, I can now act like no one else matters. well they didn't. Pull out the book. I'm in my own world. Wake up and i'm in my bed. too faded to answer my mom when she speaks. I'm spent. onward into the city I'll go. to be alone. hoping demi will find me with her words and save me with her Scrapskyer. and I'll probably be a mess leaking all types of body fluids out my face. and I'll snap back to reality and remember nobody will be there to share a moment like this. "coraline, theme music will play, alone" to be exact... ugh...
  
       I slip in and out of anger when I think about her. or when i think about how I reached out to her. I'm such an idiot. I'm pursuing her why? I'm YET AGAIN putting myself out there WHY? I'm thinking about how she's feeling more than I care about myself... WHY? you zdumb Biatch! I can be so fuuuckin stupid! no its okay go keep setting yourself up for failure, no its cool, i'll wait. when I go back to dealing with this beautiful head case I call... "Myself". You're the biggest idiot. yea I know kinda can't really help it. This is soo dumb.
       "I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this, I hope it brings you bliss, I really hope you get it, and you don't live to regret it! I hope you're happy in the end! I hope you're happy... my. "freind" "-wicked

Songs:
Everybody But me- Lykke Li
Alone- Coraline Soundtrack
Myself- Linkin Park
Krwlng-Linkin Park
Back to Black- Amy Winehouse
Defying Gravity- Wicked Soundtrack


eLLe*

What else

I'm tired of crashing like this... If I really wanted this I would be on drugs. Idk what else to give her. I gave her everything I was capable of giving her. It wasn't pretty but it was me. Now it just feels like she kicks me while i'm down. You win. I'm not fighting, I don't want to fight with you. You put me through such disrespect. I'm drained you win. But you need to release me! if you tell me we're never gonna be together anymore. why did you send me my package labeled "pooh" why did you text my mother again. why did you change your profile to one of my pictures of you. Was it to show that you took all the pictures down. sure you're looking at this like um really whats the big deal. I'm really not gonna explain there are things I know and i'm killing myself trying to make it make sense yet again. I'm scared to go to sleep and I hate being awake. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and I hate that this means nothing to her. I had to delete her on facebook. she moved on! she told me that! so why are you retaliating... I can't do this anymore... Yet another night of crying myself to sleep... I can't do this I can't do this ... , please :'''(

No ordinary love- Sade
Every word you said- Sade

eLLe*

Half Past Dead

been a while.
i can't help but to be feeling like the rebound right now. all the signs are there. and all the actions repeat. I really really thought I meant more to her. but if you could pick up so easily and start dating again like shits all good then i guess it was nothing. I mean lets be real you did the same thing to me. With such powerful convincing words you had me on a silver platter. and when I first told you that you had my heart beating in your hand, you have total power, you lied. and you threw me under. when i asked you not too. i guess karma is a bitch. trying to look at it like something i deserved so endure it. I'm exposed in all aspects.... and I'm confused. forced to deal with skeletons in my closet and the demons i lay down with. and all you do is get distracted. is she worth all of this. I can't help but feel like she is. Passed tears but the pressure builds on me like some type of,.. fuck idk but its building. I have been waking up feeling drunk for the last week. zoned out I'm a drone. I'm on autopilot. and all that rings in my head is i was a fucking rebound. and so is this chick and so will be the next. I've been told not to give you all this energy but if i don't now i shutter to think that I'll be in the next relationship wondering what if.  Confused and dazed like shit. great moments followed by bullshit. and you'll turn to substance. I have to leave it all to god and try to wash my hands of this matter. but i just can't... I'm already half past dead.

song: Sky scrapper- Demi lovato
Marvin's room - Jojo
Snuff- Slipknot
It was all a lie- Evanescence

*eLLe

Busy is in the Eye of the beholder!

Hmm... a long time ago I used the "Busy" excuse hoping to get out of something, When they told me... BULLSHIT, I know you, and I know that when you really want to do something you'd do it! and I sat in silence cuz I knew I just got clocked! That convo always rings in my head when someone says they're busy. I say to them (in my head) bullshit, no one is actually that busy because when it comes down to it you're not. If someone says "Hey wanna hang out?" why cant we just say no thanks or I'm not up to it today. But then again why do we assume that hanging out is always some big To Do. maybe its simply sitting in silence watching a movie. Maybe they just want to talk to you AND THEN THAT would be the time for you to vent about your trials and tribulations and have that person actually care! If I want to simply be around you I don't want to hear I'm just sooo busy etc. Believe you me, everything you said is but a mere whisper in the wind, Cuz i didn't ask for that. Because My groove theory is you have enough time to facebook, you have enough time to keep everyone involved in your life as you twitter your every moment and thought. Has it ever occurred to anyone that simple honest answers like: no, no thank you, maybe next time would be preferred over the traditional let me talk about myself and how busy I am? Like I said before, NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO HEAR IT! I didn't call you and say hey sooo exactly HOW busy are you? Sometimes I think we use that excuse just to arrogantly brag. you know the bragging when it sounds like the person is complaining but they know they really like having a lot of stuff to do and put it in others faces to make them feel like maybe they should be doing more. I understand having prior engagements but to be so braggadocios when a simple no would suffice is annoying. I think we need to cut down on that arrogant word, cuz you aint doing shit but sitting on your couch watching your shows. and should you wanna be alone just say no thanks i'd rather be to myself, and leave it at that. 

Like they told me... if you REALLY wanted to do something YOU WOULD! so no smoke screen, be honest YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO. 

*eLLe