I just wanna be a woman.

    Dude walks past the host stand and asks where my old coworker is... "He doesn't work here anymore but he is ... Etc" he replies "oh okay" and walks out. There's a flirtation banter that transpires but of course I don't make it out to be anything but playful. Sure he's got great teeth, dimples, dark hair and scruff but in my head it's only "yea keep it moving". In fact when he came back he said "yea you're definitely not "Joe Schmo" you're prettier and I'd never forget a pretty face". And I told him to take himself downstairs. More friendly banter. But again that's what people do they flirt. And well every industry I seem to be in schmoozes like it's nobody's business. So how dare I fall for it. You're cute but BYE... Anywho as he bumps into security on the stairs and is chatting it up, he takes off his jacket (wait for it...) a sleeve of tattoos. Waitttt did I really just cave in for fcuking tattoos?!!! Maybe... Well I must have because he leaves for the last time he shakes my hand says I'll see a lot more of him. And I'll get to know him. Here's the part where I sell out... (Wait for it...) he kisses my hand. Not once not twice but THREE times!!!! I have A HUGE problem with hand kisses, I've bugged out on people for kissing my hand. Only a select few get in close enough to kiss my hand. It skeeves me out! It's the pits! But I let him do it. And then he's like I hope your boyfriend doesn't get mad and kick my ass. And I'm like I hope your girlfriend doesn't get mad. He's single. And makes sure to tell me how good he'd treat me... (End scene)
     Really Elle? For some tattoos??! I love a man with sleeves. It shows they have swag. Not everyone would do that. There is a level of badassery that gets me. Great teeth smile dimples. I just need to check his eyes again. I'm not sure if they were right. I'm questioning it. I've learned you gotta check the eyes. Eyes tell you everything. If a persons eyes aren't right. There's something wrong. You may wanna go in the opposite direction. So if I see him again, I'll check.
      And then of course this gets me to thinking. When I'm around men up here, I don't question my body. I don't feel this need to pick myself apart because I don't have the solid abs I see in pictures, Or that you feel like you need to have in in order to be considered hot in the gay scene I've been in.  I feel like a solid beautiful girl, like the one that I see when I prance around in my skivvies in my house.
   Now that is also what I dig about Bosstown is that the women here are solid, sturdy. It's not to say that there are not skinny girls here but to see the fierce beauties that come in to my job, They've got meat on their bones and they are praised for it. You know as a kid I always wanted to be a woman. A woman was a being with curves, confidence and charisma. She's poised bold and beautiful. She knows her body and what makes her beautiful. She wears her age. It doesn't wear her. She's a fierce competitor. She's Claire Huxtable, Catherine zeta Jones, Miranda Priestly, Michelle Obama, Debbie Allen, Bette Midler etc you get the point. There's a level of kickassithness they hold. They're not girlie but they are feminine, smart and strong. As a kid that's something I've always wanted. And you don't see it much anymore. I get a glimpse of it with some of the women that come to my job and I love it. Also the men here are not tiny. They're hefty, they've got hands that look like they build with them. Even the chefs have butchers hands. They have  this great stature, confidence and humble all at once. Those men want women, the  women that have curves and work them curves. And of course there I am  really wanting to jump in.  I really do like this vibe I get,  it all feels so new again. My wheels are turning and I'm cautious but I'm excited.  But yet for some reason  there is this tatted  goddess that I just can't seem to put  out of my mind. She came in like a wrecking ball, so intense! So Whoever enters my court next, needs to be of her caliber if not better.  She spoiled me with one encounter, I'm ruined hahaha.

*Elyse

Current song (s):
Glory Box- Portishead

If I may

        There's a certain cathartism that transcends when You can finally look at a face and not recognize it. Loosing relevance. There's no part that gets angry. Almost curious.  May I? ... Obsessed. As if you were watching a reality show and watching the train wreck. The damsel in distress. The victim. The invincible that comes to save the day... And she will be loved, she will be loved. And there will be a new found glory. Because you never knew love like this before.  You're hollow. Vacant. Frost bit.  Under a guise of misunderstood. The underdog. One of her wonders hidden in plain site. You're not a jumping mouse, you're a rat. How does this chapter end. I'm kind of interested in knowing. But I have a feeling I know how it will end. Hey Disney throws curve balls, so why not. I spy with my watchful eye. An emotional salve. It's nice. Right.It feels good. It's safe. not as confident as you preach?Hey babe take a walk on the wild side. It will get old. Manipulation and turmoil run through your veins. You don't want a change. It's too fun. can't change the channel just yet. It's all kinda fun. Learning  from watching others. It's almost like "life: what not to do... For dummies"

"What a tangled web we weave, when at first we practice to deceive."



*Elysium

Current Song (s):

Allora

       And then sometimes, you have moments when you shut everyone out because you don't feel like you can trust anyone. And there I was having that "come to Jesus" moment that everyone has had a long time ago...You just can't tell everyone everything. Another life lesson that seems to hurt just as much as "you can't control what others do or say, you can only control how you chose to react to them" idk some shit. Anyway, the shit hurts, and if it could not be spelled any clearer before, it's spelled in "times new roman" size 22 floating in the air. As if it was a lucky charms commercial and I'm following all the letters like charms through the Forrest until I get to the bowl. Only it's not a magical eat, no. It's me having to eat the realization that "you can't trust everyone and some of those people are the ones closest to you". Gosh can I douse this with domino please!
       "She's just jealous!" I'd really rather not ever spew those words as an option for the solution. It's rather trivial. And as I remember, I'm the center of my world not everyone else's. Internalizing people's personality traits as an attack against me will just make me paranoid and weak. People are who they are, although we wish them not to be sometimes, they're gonna have those issues before you, during you, after you. I'm just the idiot that will always feel guilty for your short comings and stifle myself to make you feel better. HOWEVER, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get it twisted. I am recording everything you say and do. So I'm gonna let you throw shit back in my face because "that's right, you were just joking" but when it's over it's over. There's no need to tell you about yourself, because you already know. My last word is not always in my sound but in lack there of.

Current Song (s):
Maybe your right- Miley Cyrus
1940- The submarines

Let's do this thing!

     I sat on pins and needles all day. The closer it came to show time, the more I wanted to back out. I was exhausted my voice seemed to have too much rasp if that's really a problem... Well it can be for a rookie like me. My chords were equally exhausted. Then I start to think: you should not have had that Mac and cheese and meatloaf... You know better! As the buzz started forming around work I was ready to call it quits. On top of which, I had no idea as to what time I was actually going on. Will they like it? Will I hit the high notes? What if! What if! WHAT IF! I just wanted a hug and someone to be proud of me. Knowing that wasn't an option I needed to push through. Waiting for that faithful moment, gulping water like it is nobody's business, "Amber light" shows up. Easing those nerves I was still anxious
      "We're gonna welcome Elyse to the stage!" It's show time! This is my home. I have to be good... The notes flew out and I surprised myself. Where did this come from?!? Not going to question it I'm gonna go with it. All those nerves carried me!! It was like the time I sang for a fashion show a friend was putting on and my voice just took off. Nobody had a clue my voice would do what it did! And that is; hit every high note ever! Anyway, I did that! I got on stage and felt alive. I really didn't want to end it! It was everything. I really need to do it again maybe with more people in the building! The takingoverization is happening! Everyone loved it and well so did "Amber light" in fact I gave her goosebumps.
    I'm not going to lie, having her there and sharing this with her felt really nice. Coming off the stage and going right to her made it feel really complete. I do really like her. But I can't be sure if I like her because it's been awhile or if she's it. I hold out for a girl that's so out of reach. I really shouldn't hold my breath, there's no way she's coming back to this city. If we're going to happen, may it happen organically with us , and by us I really mean me.
    Ugh I'm getting away from the point. The point is I killed it! And I got what I wanted and that was to have "amber lights" there. There really is a certain feeling of security that I get when I'm performing for a crowd and I can have that ONE person that is actually there for me and thinks I'm the world because they've seen all sides of me. I had that last night, I felt it. And dare I say it but I may have seen it! She looked at me in a way, I've never seen. Okay I've totally seen it from Ly, subtly. I can deny it all I want but I know when she looks at me she's like wow. But We're gonna see where this goes. I want everything to be organic, I wont ruin shit with my what ifs! Anyway! I want to be back on that stage. Everything else will happen when it does. But somebody please get me back on the stage! I want nothing else. Okay that is a lie. I want everything. But I need this here stage! It won't be the last time! I'm soo sure of it! Takingoverization commence!

*Elysium

Current song (s):
Do my thang: Miley Cyrus